"Mom, did you put the wrong credit card in the gas pump thing? Is that why you got back in the car and got the other card out of your wallet and then got back out again?"
"And then you got back in again and turned the car around because the gas hole thing on the car is on the other side and then the pumper thing wouldn't reach to the car hole because that other guy pulled his car up? Is that why we sat here and waited so long until he moved his car so we could pull up more? And then you hurt your finger when the pump turned off?"
"Mom? I think maybe you're thinking about our trip next week and not thinking about what you're doing right now and it's making your morning bad."
If you're on the couch and you accidentally put your hand under a cushion and then you accidentally pull out a piece of foam and then accidentally shove it really far up your nose, then you need to tell your mom. She's going to make you go in the bathroom while she puts pepper under your nose to make you sneeze and then the foam doesn't come out. Then your mom is going to try to get it out with one of those squeezey ball air-sucker things that are for baby snots and then the foam still won't come out. Your nose starts to feel bad now. Your mom is going to drive you to see Dr. Bess and in the car your mom is going to talk about all of the places on your body that you shouldn't shove things in.
Dr. Bess is going to look up your nose with a light and then she is going to try to get the thing with a thing but the foam isn't going to come out. Then Dr. Bess is going to talk about all of the places on your body that you shouldn't shove things up. Dr. Bess is going to call another doctor on the phone and then you have to go back in the car and drive to a special kid's nose doctor at a hospital that's just for kids and babies.
The special kid's nose doctor has a bunch of nurse people in the room and puts a thing in your nose-nostril to open it and then uses a little grabber and then he pulls the foam out - bam, easy-peasy. Your nose will feel all normal now. Dr. Nose Doctor gives you a Batman sticker and tells you not to shove anything in your nose or ears and that you seem like a nice guy but he hopes he doesn't see you back in his office again. Your mom will say that Dr. Nose Doctor looks like an acting guy named Jeff Daniels. You won't know who that is but you like the Batman sticker.
You will stop at a restaurant on the way home to have pie and your mom will drink a lot of coffee and call your dad and both your grandmas to tell them that the foam is out of your nose and you will eat the pie. The pie will be good.
On this day last year, I opened the mail and found an anniversary card addressed to Mr. Rosenberg and me from Aunt Lynn. We couldn't figure out why she had sent us an anniversary card. After giving it a great deal of thought, we realized that she sent it to us BECAUSE IT WAS OUR ANNIVERSARY.
We were clueless.
This year we were determined not to forget our big day and started celebrating early. Over the weekend we had dinner out. We listened to records. We went to The Container Store to get Lego storage supplies. We shared a sandwich. We walked the dogs. We hung out with Bob. We held hands. Our version of romance.
Today I will recall the Friday afternoon, seven years ago, that we eloped to Las Vegas and started our new life as Mr. and Mrs. Rosenberg. It was an excellent day. I remember it well.
I spent 16 years in the television business. I worked, by turns, as a writer, director, producer, casting associate, and the gal who gets everybody’s Starbucks order. Later, I spent time as a counselor at an outpatient program for adorable teens with un-adorable psych and addiction issues. Working in the orbit of actors, rock stars, comedians, and teenagers prepared me for my current gig as the stay-at-home mother of a kindergartner named Bob. Now, it’s like the circus has come to town everyday. I am living the dream.