The Tuesday Star Wars Festival

What: The Tuesday Star Wars Festival
Where: The Piano Bench in the Living Room
When: Right After Go Diego Go! (The one about the penguins.)
Who: Bob, Daisy, Pearl and Violet
Attire: Robot Pajamas That You Slept In Last Night or Your Fur Hair

There will be good guys and bad guys and some of the guys won't have their heads on but their heads will still be there too, just not on. There are light sabers but we can't use them inside, only in the backyard. Oh, and there's droids. And aliens. And a Wookie - Chewbacca but not Tarfful because I don't have him yet.

Refreshments Will Be Served
(Apple juice box and banana cut in pieces, cat snacks, and a good dog cookie in the shape of a squirrel that smells so good you might want to lick it to see how it is even if you are not a dog but don't bite it because it's not good if you are not a dog.)

See you then. Don't use the doorbell because it makes Daisy all nuts.

Now We Are Six

Dear Violet,
I am writing to you because you are behind the clothes washing machine and can not hear me very well because Mom told me that I need to use my quiet voice that I use for kitties and babies because you are scared a little bit. Hi Violet. My name is Robert Edward Rosenberg and I am also Bob. I am in your new family and this is your new house where you live. I think you are nice. Do you like Star Wars? I like Star Wars. We are from earth, you and me too.

You are living in our house because Miss Diana from three houses down in the green house, died because she was very sick and she had five kitties and we picked you and we love you because we heard you were the loneliest kitty and everything. Miss Diana got to move to heaven so you got to move to here. I like you. Pearl is always in my closet in the daytime because she is nocturnal and she is crabby but she will like you because she is also a cat like you are. Daisy is a dog and is always excited and she will like you because Daisy likes everyone.

You can stay behind the clothes washing machine for as long as you want and we will bring you snacks there. I will sit next to the clothes washing machine sometimes and say, "Hi Violet. I love you," to you and so if you hear that, it is me, Robert Edward Rosenberg. You will have to listen hard because I am using that tiny, tiny, tiny, kitty voice.

I love you Violet. The end.
Your pal,
Bob Rosenberg

Plumbing and Things

"Mama, can you lift up the top so I can see in there again?"

"Sure."

"What does that stopper do?"

"It keeps the water from going out, I think."

"And what about that thing over there?"

"I don't know what it's called but the water comes out of there and then when the tank fills up it stops."

"One more thing."

"Sure."

"How does God make the wind?"

"I adore you."

Smacksy Sunday Links

Some Sunday Bob

My bloggy mom friend Tracey is an excellent photographer and her blog Pen and View showcases many of her gorgeous photos. Tracey passed along this link to me yesterday and I love it. Dad Life is funny and sort of true and made Jeff shudder that he is totally one of these dads.

I know Keaton and Nicholson were technically the stars of Something's Gotta Give, but really, that beach house should at least get a supporting actor credit. That kitchen, are you kidding me? Hooked On Houses is a blog that explores the interior design of many of the best TV and movie houses. I'm completely addicted to it. Fine. I'm "hooked."

And then a clip of supreme cuteness. Not the Bonnie Hunt part, the other part. I mean, Bonnie's cute and everything but that's not the point.

Dad Life from Church on the Move on Vimeo.

Soccer Camp Day 5

"It's Friday! I need to let my coaches know that today is the last day of soccer camp! It's here, Mama, the very last day of soccer camp! I will go and tell them that today is the last day!"

"They know, Honey."

"Well after I tell them some more, I am going to go in that tree for an adventure."

"That sounds perfect."


Note: We're already pre-paid for the second camp in July. Of course we are.

Soccer Camp Day 4

"Someone" sat in my soccer mom chair and ate snacks.
"Someone" could not be persuaded that even Jedis might enjoy soccer class.
"Someone" expressed a desire to go home and watch Max and Ruby.
"Someone" finally agreed to play if I would stay on the field with him.
Score.

Soccer Camp Day 3

This morning Bob spent 20 minutes decorating his soccer ball with space stickers. He used six minutes of the ride to the field to tell me about how did not plan to play today and asking what snacks I had brought.

When we got to camp, Bob spent 45 minutes looking for sticks with his friend J.P. There were 10 minutes of negotiations between the two of them over who would be in command of the "best" stick. Bob spent five minutes on the field actually sort of doing the drills with the coaches.

I spent an hour in my new soccer mom chair drinking coffee and talking with mommy friends. It was a lovely morning.

I'm starting to get it. Soccer camp isn't just about soccer.

Soccer Camp Day 2

Yesterday I stopped putting off the inevitable, embraced the next parental rite of passage, and bought a soccer mom chair. I did not realize that my ten bucks had purchased the fancy style with the foot rest and head pillow Velcro brick. Awesome. Once I got over my self consciousness, I realized that the soccer mom chair is delightfully comfortable. My travel coffee mug fits neatly into the coffee holder. Can a visor and fanny pack be far behind?

I got a chair for Jeff too. I'm not going down alone.

Soccer Camp: Day 1

Today was Bob's first day of Soccer Camp. Bob and some of his pals will be at the park for one hour every morning this week to practice soccer skills with a group of teachers imported from England. This grand total of five hours of camp, seems quite a brazen use of the word "camp." The kids get to wear shin guards and cleats and run around. The coaches accents lend an authentic soccer-y air to it all. Even the "Sponge Bob Square Pants Crab Drill" sounds legit with the Brit thing going.

Bob was so excited, he had trouble sleeping last night. Arrived at the field, found his friends, got checked off the list, received his new ball and was put into the 3-4 year-old group. He played hard for a good eight minutes. He then joined me on the sidelines, explaining that he had "run out of energy." He watched some of the drills while laying on a blanket. He played quietly with a Bakugan. After about ten minutes he turned to me and asked, "So do they have any cafes here?"

It's going to be a long week.

How to Keep a Secret by Bob Rosenberg

1. Make a really good crown for your dad for Father's Day.

2. The crown will have Star Wars characters and Cars stickers and other stickers and writing that your mom does and some crayon arts and that's what makes it super good.

3. The crown will be a secret. A secret is something where you don't tell your dad about the crown until Father's Day.

4. To make sure you don't tell the secret ask your mom in a whispery voice if you can tell your dad about his crown secret. Even though your dad is here you don't think he heard you.

5. Your mom says to "Shh" because she thinks you are going to tell the secret of the crown but you aren't.

6. Later, remind your dad that you are not going to tell him the secret about the crown you made him that is super good because it is a surprise only.

7. On Father's Day morning, jump on your dad's middle parts and tell him that it is time for him to have his surprise secret good crown that you made him that was a secret but isn't a secret now because it's Father's Day.

8. He will look super good in the crown, like the guys that work at In-N-Out burgers that use the microphones.

9. Your dad will wear his surprise crown and you guys can do Father's Day stuff together. Your mom will take pictures and you can wear your pajamas for most of the day and eat watermelon.

10. You will like secrets it just takes practicing.

Smacksy Sunday Link: Father's Day

The dad in our house, Bob's sweet dad, my husband Jeff.

I first learned of this Groucho Marx song from my friend Jen who had a fine tradition of singing it to her dad every year on Father's Day. Since Jen's dad's death last year, the song has taken on a bittersweet quality. I love it still. (I love it even more when Jen sings it, but this Groucho version will do.)

To those of you who are a dad, and to those of you who are with your dad, and to those who are missing your dad today, Happy Father's Day.

Smacksy Saturday Photo: I Know What You're Doing

Bathroom mirror position view of dining room table. (Moms have their ways.)

MVP

According to Bob, this is Kenobi. Of course it is.

Take a Number

Bob's Light Saber Store: Grand Opening

Another Idea

"I decided what I'm going to do now."

"What's that, honey?"

"I am just going to call you what my friends call you: Bob's Mom."

"I don't think I'll like that."

"But you are Bob's mom. I'm Bob."

"I get that part. I like just 'Mama' better."

"Bob's Mom? Can I have a juice please, Bob's Mom?"

"Bob?"

"Yes, Bob's Mom?"

"Never mind. Let's get you a juice."

"With the curvy straw please, Bob's Mom."

"Right."

Mr. Fix-It

"Do you want peanut butter on your toast, Poops?"

"Yes please, Mama. How is the oil spill in Mexeeeco?"

"It's really bad."

"Is it hurting the animals or the people?

"It's hurting everything and everyone."

"In the gulf of Mexeeeco?"

"Yeah. It's awful. Do you want jam too?"

"Strawberry, please. I think I am going to have to fix the oil spill myself."

"How will you do it?"

"I will need a giant hammer and a big, big, big, big, big rock explosion."

"That sounds like as good a plan as any I've heard."

"Then I will bring back all of the oily animals to our house and clean them one at a time in the bathtub."

"That's sweet, Honey,"

"I'm going to need a washcloth for the big animals."

"How long do you think that will take you to wash all of those animals?"

"I don't know but when I'm done, I'll have a party and hang blue streamers all around the galaxy."

"I love you."

Concepts

"Lisa? Lisa? Lisaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!"

"Bob, why are you calling me Lisa?"

"Because your name is Lisa."

"It is but I prefer you call me mama, or mom."

"But you call me my name. My name's Bob and you call me it."

"I do. But I would like you to call me mama."

"Why?"

"It's respectful and it's traditional. I'm old-school like that."

"Old school is kindergarten for five year-olds and I am still four."

"Please just call me mama, Bob."

"Okay, Mama."

"Thank you. Will you please ask Daddy if he's done with this coffee?"

"Jeff! Mama wants to know if you're done with your coffee."

Smacksy Sunday Links

My in-real-life friend Marija writes a delightful blog called My Mom's a Nerd. This week in addition to being a wife and a mom and an actor and a blog writer and a photographer, she unleashed a new video on a grateful nation. Marija produced, directed and was a back up dancer in a fabulous music video send up of Lady Gaga called My Muffintop. It is a project filled with genius. You will vote for it on Funny or Die. You will go back and watch it a few more times to memorize the words. The song will get stuck in your head and you will find yourself creating your own dance moves while singing the song in your kitchen. Just me? No, I didn't think so.

Type in your birthday and this site will give you the details of your past life. Apparently I was a teacher, mathematician and actress in long ago Australia. (Why not?) Who were you?

Since falling in love with the grandma (and her outfit) at a wedding last weekend, I was thrilled to find this site. Gorgeous and inspirational gals.

Happy Sunday, friends.

Smacksy Saturday Photo: Extracurriculars

We signed him up for soccer camp this summer. Perhaps we should have gone for the library book club.

Daisy's Thursday Schedule

7:27am Watch out the front window as Jeff drives away to work.

7:28am Get back in the big bed and spoon with the cat the kid and the lady.

8:05am Eat a peanut butter dog biscuit in the shape of a car.

8:07am Back in bed.

9:50am The end-of-cycle buzzer on the clothes dryer goes off unexpectedly. Shake uncontrollably and run to the back of the bedroom closet.

10:10am Shaking.

10:20am Stop shaking. Remain burrowed in back of closet.

10:45am Joined in back of closet by child.

10:51am Remain in closet, child leaves.

11:20am Remain in closet.

12:15pm Still in closet.

12:40pm Closet.

1:10pm Hear mailman on porch. Bolt from closet. Bark ferociously through the front window.

1:11pm Ordered to stop "causing a ruckus." Return to closet.

1:12pm Continue barking ferociously from inside the closet.

1:14pm Abandon barking. Commence howling. Remain in closet.

Take that, mailman.

Seasoned

Our canine Rosenberg, Daisy, has been a little off the past few days. She hurt her front passenger-side paw during a long run on Sunday. There has been noticeable improvement but while she's healing, she's doing a lot of sleeping. She takes turns laying on all of the soft surfaces in the house and is giving the mailman a few days off from her intense bark/howl greetings. There are many peanut butter snacks involved.

"Mama? Daisy pooped."

"Okay."

"No, no. In the house. She pooped in the house."

"Where?"

"On the rug."

"Which one?"

"In the living room."

"I'll get some paper towels."

"Mama? I touched the poop with my hand."

"Why?"

"Because I wanted to see what it felt like."

"Fair enough. How did it feel?"

"All poop-y, I think."

"I guess that's a good sign."

"It's the first poop I ever, ever, ever, ever, touched."

"I wish I could say the same. I'm a seasoned veteran."

"It's the season of summer now."

"It is."

I Still Have Much to Learn, Apparently

"There's only one bathroom in Star Wars, Mom."

"Is that right? And when did you start calling me 'Mom'?"

"It's in the restaurant on Mos Eisley on the planet Tatooine. You are my mom, Mama."

"So the Star Wars guys only need one potty in the whole galaxy?"

"Yes. Most of the Star Wars characters don't have private parts."

"Okay."

"Except for the humans and the lady humans."

"Men and women are both just called humans."

"So they only need one potty because they're mostly droids and aliens not humans with privates."

"What about your other shows? What about The Wiggles?"

"I don't know about their privates."

"Me neither."

I'll Take a Warm Up, Thanks

On our weekend trip, Jeff and Bob and I had breakfast at a country themed restaurant/gift shop. We were surrounded by floral wallpaper borders and vintage apple crate art. There were garlands of silk flowers and candles shaped like cows. A young bride and her bridesmaids sat in a booth nearby plotting the next few hours leading up to her wedding. A retired couple shared a newspaper at the table across the way. Jeff got up to pay the bill and Bob and I stayed behind finishing our eggs.

“Mama? I’m a Battle Droid. You are Princess Leia and I am going to blast you.”

“Okay, but finish your scone-thing, babe.”

“I have a blaster and I will blast your arm!”

“Mmm hmm.”

A small group of Red Hat Society ladies walked by wearing matching “We’re On a Road Trip!” t-shirts.

“I am blasting your tummy!”

“Please do.”

“I am blasting your bottom!”

“Okay, Bob. Let’s settle down.”

“Now I am blasting your vag-“

“Do not finish that thought! Let’s talk about something else, please.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Mama? Does God like biscuits?”

“Yes he does.”

A Wedding in the Woods

We traveled to my cousin Tom’s wedding over the weekend. Like any true family gathering, there were tears and laughter, music, heartbreak, joy, dancing, expectations, drama, tortillas and an open bar.

Babies cried and were tended by their grandfathers. My son ignored lunch but ate four stolen cupcakes from the back of the wedding dessert display. It was hot and there was shade. Jeff played guitar and cousin Grat played the piano. There were funny toasts and blessings and sombreros. My mother and I took turns dancing with my cousin Dan and mom and I both realized that he danced just like my dad used to. Two families were joined together.


The bride’s gorgeous 97 year-old grandmother danced with my cousin’s son Max. He leaves in a few months to serve with the Marines in Afghanistan. Max’s mother, Theresa, and I took a turn dancing with Grandmother. She commanded us to show her our “moves.” Theresa lightly did the bump with her a few times. Grandmother then leaned over to me and said, “I think you’ll need to do that on the other side to put my hip back in place.”

It was beautiful. All of it. Families are my favorite operas.

Grandes felicitaciones and mazel tov, Tom and Lisa.

Smacksy Sunday Links

Nancy is smart. Nancy is funny. Nancy is pretty. I don't hate Nancy because she's awesome. I hate Nancy because she lives in Utah instead of next door to me where I could squeeze her more easily. Nancy has a blog that is like a visit with your favorite girlfriend. Nancy also has a new blog where she reviews books. Nancy has four kids, a husband, a full time job as a school counselor and still makes time to read books and then write about them on her book review blog and then stand in line at the post office to send a free book to one of her commenters. I'm pretty sure Nancy doesn't sleep. Don't let her tan fool you. Nancy is a vampire. Follow Nancy's blogs or sleep wearing a garlic necklace. The choice is yours.

More linky goodness:

For $10.00 Alicia will draw something lovely just for you on the back of a used Trader Joe's bag.

I can't stop watching this. It's 4:47 in heaven.

Smacksy Saturday Photo: Cuddly

Teddy Bear? No thanks. I insist on clutching these delightful Star Wars bandages to keep me company.

Apple/Tree

Jeff and I sat in the living room. We could hear Bob in his bedroom playing with his action figures.

"I am Darth Vader and you should wear a sweater," Bob said in a low voice.

"But I'm hot," Bob answered himself in a high voice.

"Luke, I am your dad and you need a sweater. Quickly into the pods!" Bob said in his Darth voice.

Jeff and I exchanged looks.

"The Star Wars guys are his dollies," Jeff whispered to me.

"Yep. Just like they were your dollies, " I said.

"They weren't my dollies, I just collected them."

"And acted out the stories?"

"I had dollies."

"Yep."

Super Mensch

"Mama? Is Superman Batman's assistant?"

"No. Superman is a separate superhero."

"Then who is Batman's assistant?"

"He doesn't have an assistant but he has a sidekick guy named Robin."

"A sidekick? So Robin is the assistant?"

"He's like a junior Batman. He's the Boy Wonder."

"Assistant."

"Okay."

"Who is Superman's assistant?"

"He doesn't have one. He works alone."

"I think he does have one. His name is Jewbin."

"Jewbin?"

"Yes. He's the Superman helper."

"Is Jewbin Jewish?"

"I don't know. His name is just Jewbin."

"Does Jewbin celebrate Hanukkah?"

"Maybe? He's the assistant though and Jewbin has assistant powers."

"Like filing and rolling calls?"

"What's a filing?"

"I think I need a Jewbin."

Bed Time Vernacular: A One Act

BED TIME VERNACULAR

JEFF and I are tucking BOB in for the night.

JEFF

Sweet dreams. Get some good sleep.

BOB

I don’t want to sleep, I want to live.

ME

Wow.

JEFF

Sleeping is living, Boo Boo.

ME

Sleeping is an important part of life.

BOB

Is music life?

JEFF

Yes.

BOB

Is supper life?

ME

If you are lucky, it’s a part of your life and you are very lucky. Now it's time to stop talking and get some sleep.

BOB

Okay but I just can’t do sleeping right now.

JEFF

Just try, Buddy. Mama will rub your back.

BOB

I can’t. I can’t sleep. I have a sleep ache.

ME

A sleep ache? I am totally stealing that.

JEFF

Me too. That’s so good.

BOB

Can I have a banana cut in pieces?


END SCENE

The Latest Move

In the last few months, I’ve been working a lot with Bob to recognize when I am on the phone and during that time to not interrupt me or make loud noises or follow me around playing a harmonica or activate the toy garbage truck that repeatedly yells, “Ew! What smells?” So far, it’s going okay about 30% of the time.

I was on the phone on Thursday afternoon. A friend was relaying some serious information and I was concentrating on the conversation. I was proud that Bob was playing quietly in his room and this time had not translated the ringing of the phone as an invitation to lay down a drum solo.

A few minutes into my call, Bob appeared at my side and whispered, “Pardon me, Mama.” He then picked up my hand and set something lightly inside my palm. I excused myself from my call and looked into my hand. I was holding what appeared to be one sugar cube sized turd.

“Bob? What is this?”

“A poop.”

“Why do I have it now?”

“I didn’t have time to make it to the potty and I didn’t want to poop in my pants so I pooped into my hand. Now you have it.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Are you off the phone now?”

“Yes, I am."

"Now can we play with the Star Wars Lego guys?"

"Well played, Bob Rosenberg. Well played.”