How to Get Your Mom Out of the Boring Lady Store by Bob Rosenberg

When you get in the Boring Lady Store, immediately start pulling on your mama’s arm and repeatedly whisper, “Okay, okay, okay, okay. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.”

After your mom threatens to put you in a stroller, walk next to her quietly for a maximum of 40 seconds. Periodically ask if it’s time to go yet.

She will hand some clothes to a lady who tells you that you’re a “darling child.” She says her name is Hillary and she is “starting a room” for your mom. You mention to Hillary that your mom already has a room and she shares it with Daddy. The grown-ups laugh at something.

Break free from mom’s grasp. Pull a pile of yellow lady sweaters off of a table and on to the floor and yell, “Shiver me timbers!” This is not popular with your mama and she will have a “talk” with you by the big plant.

Your mom brings you with her into a tiny room with a big mirror on the wall. You look around and ask, “How come there’s no potty in this potty?”

You are allowed to sit on the floor and go through the stuff in your mom’s purse while she changes all of her clothes a bunch of times. (Except underpants.)

Hillary asks if we are, “doing okay in there” and you can take the opportunity to inform her that they "forgot the potty in this one."

Your mom will make you stand in a line to pay for one green sweater with some flowers on it. The line is long and you are not allowed to touch any of the things on the jewelry table and you are not allowed to move the rope thing that shows you where to stand and you are not allowed, not allowed, not allowed.

Break free from your mom as she gets to the front of the line. Sit in the big chair with the red flowers on it and wave.

Your mom will watch you as you stick your hand down your throat and then barf a little on a pillow with a bird picture on it.

Your mom will run to you in the big red flower chair and see your barf. She will pick up you and the bird pillow. She will buy the bird pillow instead of the green sweater and you will get to leave the store in a hurry.

She will explain to you that she hopes you like the trendy overpriced piece of c-r-a-p because it is going to be your wedding gift.

You don’t know what that means but you get to go home now so it's good.

Room With a View

Good morning. Super, super good morning.

The Birthday Force

“Bob, let’s talk about your birthday party. What would you like to do?”

“Cake.”

“Yes, I think cake will be an important feature. What kind of cake would you like?”

“We can have cupcakes but not with green icing.”

“Okay. Why not green icing?”

“Green icing will make your poops green.”

“How do you know this?”

“I just do, Mama. I do.”

“Does blue icing make your poops blue?”

“No. So any color is good, just no green.”

“Done. So I’m guessing you’re thinking Star Wars party?”

“Yes. With light sabers and a piñata with things and candies and everything in it but enough for all of my friends to have things and also no green frosting.”

“Got it.”

“And you can dress like Princess Leia.”

“Awesome.”

“And daddy can be… Darth Vader is okay.”

“I think daddy dressed as Darth Vader might scare some of your friends.”

“Oh. Yes. We should all dress as good guys everyday. There are already enough bad guys out there.”

“Out where?”

“On earth. I’m from planet earth, Mama.”

I'll Have What He's Having

Every year on New Year’s Day I have a tradition: I mark all of the year’s upcoming important dates on my calendar. I transfer all of my contacts into a new address book. I write my holiday thank you cards. I make lists, not of resolutions exactly, but lists of short term and long term goals.. All of these little chores help me feel like I am prepared for the year.

This year I didn’t get any of those things done on New Year’s Day. I wrote them down on a to-do list and I’ve been transferring them from list to list as the days, weeks, months go by. Finally today, with less than a week left until the beginning of May, I made the decision to let it go: just cross that all off the list and keep going.

I have not looked back. Instead, I have decided to follow my kid’s lead and do the following:

I will look up close at the stuff right in front of me and find the fascinating parts.

I will call out, “Hey batta, batta, batta, batta batta batta batta batta sa-wing batta!” whenever the mood strikes.

I will eat my favorite part of the supper first.

I will insist on wearing sweatpants as often as possible.

I will do some splashing in the bathtub because it’s fun.

I will hug the people I like.

I will get excited to put any amount, no matter how small, into the piggy bank.

I will do the “funny bottom dance.”

I will listen to animals.

I will wear the Darth Vader mask and make the weird breathing noises.

I will have a good time as often as possible.

(I think this could become my new tradition.)

Shrub Negotiator

In celebration of Earth Day, Bob and I bought some hydrangeas to plant on the sunny side of the house by the driveway. As we unloaded them from the car, he asked me where we'd be planting them.

"I thought we could put the big one right here."

"But Mama, there's already a bush there."

"I thought we could take that out."

"Why?"

"It's weird and sort of homely and I thought the big flower plant would look better."

"You need to leave it. Please."

"It won't be that hard to pull up."

"The bush says it's been there a long time and it really wants to stay there. It's begging."

"The bush is begging?"

"Yes. It's happy there."

"Do all the plants talk to you?"

"All the time."

"Really? What do they say?"

"Everything. Just like us."

In honor of Earth Day and my son's apparent relationship with vegetation, the bush stayed put. Obviously.

Smacksy Sunday Link: Dog Running a News Stand

Why does this sweet little moment make me so happy? It just does.

Happy Sunday.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Smacksy Saturday Photo: Good Morning

The benefits of sleeping in are rapidly erased when this little darling is the first thing you see when you open your eyes.