8 Things I Am Doing Instead of Eating All of the Halloween Candy

Doing dishes while throwing long, meaningful glances at the candy bowl.

Folding laundry while wistfully eyeing the candy bowl.

Walking close enough to the table to feel the magnetic pull of the candy bowl.

Eating apple slices that are definitely not candy from the candy bowl. Lame apple slices.

Finishing Bob's Halloween mask while clearly seeing the candy bowl with my peripheral vision.

Practicing the piano while sweetly pondering the contents of the candy bowl.

Making flimsy promises to myself that I will not open even just the Snickers bag in the candy bowl.

Remembering that "milk chocolate" is probably not vegan.

Oh, yeah. That.

Yum?

"How do you like your spinach, Bob? Do you want it raw today or cooked?"

"I want it cooked."

"Okay."

"I like it flabby and greasy."

Eats

"Mom? I really sort of totally hate this veggie sausage."

"Really? I thought it was good. Lately, it's been hard to find new things that you like."

"Well, I like olives now."

"You do?"

"Yeah, but just the round black rubber tire kind."

Veg-A-Something

"Mom? I'm going to be a vegetarian now. I don't like eating nature."

"You mean animals?"

"Yeah. Can I still have eggs?"

"Yes."

"What about chicken? I'll be vegetarian except for chicken."

"Okay."

"Oh, but on Sunday? I'm gonna have a hot dog at the Dodger game.