Sillies

"Mom! Mom!"

"What are you laughing at, crazy pants?"

"I can't... breathe! I'm laughing... too... much!"

"You're getting a little hysterical."

"Ah ha ha ha! Hey, Dad! Mom says I'm historical! Like George Washington!"

"That is actually not what I said."

"Ha ha ha ha! I'm  historical! I'm historical! I chopped down a cherry tree!"

Gifts

"Mom! I saw an ad that David is on that new show!"

"He is. I think it premieres pretty soon."

"How did he become an actor? I mean how did he learn it?"

"I think he started with some classes but for him, I think it's a gift he has. He has something that can't be taught that makes his acting special."

"What do you mean  - gift? Like a present?"

"An ability he was born with. Think of Dad. He has practiced guitar for a long time to get better and better but I think he also has a musical gift. We all have gifts of one kind or another."

"Yeah, I know what my gift is."

"Being awesome?"

"Yes! How did you know that?"

Fast Friends

"Bob! Think quick! Best part of today's field trip to the aquarium! Go!"

"Heidi the penguin! She actually loved me very much, you know."

Field Tripping

"Mom? Remember how at the field trip today we kept walking up that super steep hill and then in circles over and over? That was weird. And what about that dead mouse we saw by that driveway? How do you think he died? He didn't look eaten or anything. Remember when all the kids in your group ran in different directions? That was awkward. You were funny how you kept saying, "If you can hear me clap once! If you can hear me clap once!" over and over. Remember on the bus when all the kids were trying to guess your age? Remember? That was an awesome field trip."

Me and 53: My Worst First Dates

In honor of Valentine’s Day, some friends and I have decided to share our Worst Date Ever story. (We are romantics.) My dilemma? How to narrow it down to just one. 

In 2004, I met my husband at the (merciful) end of a long summer of on-line dating. Mr. Rosenberg was my 53^rd first date. The stepping stone dates it took to get to my husband, flicker in my mind like a rom-com video montage. There were some average dates, plenty of nice-guy zero-chemistry dates, but the ones that stand out are the dating fails. 

There was the extremely tall, minor league baseball player I met at a sports bar in Burbank. He said no more than four words to me the entire meal, but managed to chat up our waitress.

The TV editor I met at the Oaxacan place. We ordered the chicken mole´and chapulines (grasshoppers).  During the meal, he had a panic attack and excused himself to call his therapist. I don’t think it was about the grasshoppers.

The experimental-video director with the white faux-hawk I met at a hipster coffee roasting shop in deepest Hollywood. He spent the date in an hour-long monologue about his ex-wife “Julia,” stopping only to show me photos of her. Also he was, by all appearances, gay as a box of birds. 

I can’t forget the mini-guy with the mini-Cooper. This small-ish man asked to meet at a Korean Barbecue place in little Armenia. A struggling writer/actor/production assistant, he confided that he had looked up my name on Internet Movie Database and noticed that I was a producer. He then proceeded to pitch me an animated children’s show about singing gummy bears.

The screenwriter I met at a pub in mid-Wishire who, based on his startling non-resemblance to his photo, had obviously posted a picture of someone else on his profile. He brought me three mixed CDs of music based on what he “knew” I would like.

There was the English tutor with a script in turn-around and a famous roommate, that I met at a Starbucks in Korea Town. This guy corrected my grammar within the first five minutes of our introduction. Then, he proceeded to inform me that rather than be put-off by this, I should be grateful for the new information so I could fix my error and not appear to be uneducated. 

The studio exec who insisted on meeting at a fancy-pants restaurant and then, at the end of the meal, meticulously split the bill to the penny. Two weeks later, I saw him getting into his Lexus in the parking lot of Trader Joe’s. When I waved, he pretended not to recognize me. Or something.

The sports photographer I met at the all-night diner in Los Feliz. I had high hopes for this guy, but then things started unraveling once we realized I had dated his younger brother. Then it got weird. So weird.

There was also the extremely tan, French tennis pro I met for lunch at a vegetarian place in Santa Monica. He was on a non-stop series of calls on his cell phone, the entire meal and then asked for a second date. I said, “Non.”

Thank God, I finally met the lanky musician with the studio temp job who was living with his mom. My night in shining mini-van, Mr. Rosenberg appeared, met me for sushi,  and fast-forwarded my story to happily ever after.

Happy Valentines Day.

For more first date stories visit these lovely ladies:

Earth Mother just means I’m dusty

The Mama Bird Diaries

Midlife Mixtape

Ann’s Rants

Wendi Aarons

Good Day, Regular People

Maybe Not the Look I Was Going For

"Mom? I have to tell you your hair looks sort of... wrinkled."

Easy Riders

"Mom when the dads took us to the park today, Felix got his pedals put on his bike and actually learned how to ride. In one day!"

"He must have been really excited."

"He was. I learned new tricks of how to turn better and ride in really tiny circles. Really tiny, like this. See?"

"That's cool."

"Yeah. Me and Felix decided that we're awesome. Like, the awesomest ever. For bike riders. At the park. Today."

Bargain

"Mom, what is this show?"

"House Hunters International."

"So these people are buying that house?"

"We don't know yet."

"They should totally buy that one. The bathroom comes with a free toilet and everything."

If You Go to Your Cousin's Wedding by Bob Rosenberg

"If you go to your cousin's wedding your parents, mostly your mom, is going to make you wear dress up clothes: pants with dark socks and shiny shoes and a button shirt. There is another part you have to wear and that is a tie. The week before, you can clip the tie on to your t-shirts and wear it around the house for practice but when you wear it it's still kind of choking you a little, but don't worry, it's just pretend not real choking. Everyone is dressed up at the wedding, even your cousin Harry, not just you. Your dad also wears a tie and everything."

"There's the wedding part where your cousin wears a big white dress and does the marrying. There is Hebrew singing, Hebrew's another language, and everyone claps at the kissing part.

"There's two super fun parts at the wedding. There's a photo booth where you can wear hats and sunglasses and be a rockstar with your dad."

"Also there is a Michael Jackson impersonator who does singing to the Thriller song and everything. Your dad will take a picture with him and it will be so cool."

 
"You get to have orange juice with ice from a bar and bread rolls with your chicken dinner. There are sparkler sticks and you can hold one. It's all super good and it's a long walk back to the car and you will definitely fall asleep in the car on the way home. Definitely."

A Solid Offer

"Mom? Dad? Hey you guys? Who wants a piece of my rainbow? You guys?! Is anyone listening? I have a rainbow cut in pieces here! Hey! Is anyone listening to me? IS ANYONE LISTENING? HELLO? WHO WANTS A PIECE OF MY RAINBOW???"

So Much to Teach

photo




"Dad! I'm starting gymnastics on Friday! Mom signed me up!"

"That's great, Bud. You're going to learn a lot."

"I already have all of the cool moves I made up so I can go there and teach everyone!"

Pardon Me

Tonight, I walked into the bedroom to find a sweet scene: Jeff and Bob in mid-conversation after reading bedtime stories. They looked up and smiled at me and then my boy leaned over to his father and whispered, "Dad you really need to watch your language."

Shirt-free

photo from here

"It feels weird to be in the car without a shirt, Mom."

"It was wet from swim class so I thought we could wait and put on a dry shirt at home."

"It's weird."

"It's a little funny."

"It's a little hilarious, Mom, because now everyone can see my abs... I love my abs."

Just Another Day At the Office

Hi.

Blue Skies

"You know what's good about the sky, Mom?"

"Tell me."

"It never goes away."

"That's true."

"And it holds us all here so that we don't float up to the galaxy... but floating up might be fun too."

1001 Words

Guys? Did I mention that Violette is a hugger?

Fashion Forward

Style for a Monday:
Sweatpants
Bare Feet
Spiderman T-Shirt
16 Flag Stickers Thoughtfully Applied to Front of Sweatpants

Smacksy Saturday Photo: The Day After

Turkey Coma x Two

The Team

"Mom? Mia's on my team."

"Is that right?"

"Yeah and so are all the guys in my class and Ringo and Ava and Tommy and Ivan."

"What team are we talking about, Bob?"

"You know my team. My team for my life."

"That sounds like a winning team."

"It is. For real."

Dream Catching

Jeff and Bob and I rode in the car together this morning to the mechanic's shop.

"Mama? Daddy? I had a dream about God last night," said Bob.

"What did you dream?" said Jeff.

"I dreamed that God came out of heaven and was a human and walked around on the planet just like the other human people but he wasn't a human, he was still God."

"Wow. Where'd you hear about that?" I said.

"I didn't hear about it, I dreamed it, last night."

"Anything else, Bob?"

"Yeah. Can I please have the other half of my Popsicle for breakfast when we get home?"

"No, but maybe after breakfast, little oracle."

"You mean little Popsicle."

"You're good, Bob."