S.O.S.

Bob has been running in circles through the living room for the past five minutes wearing just red underpants and one sock. He stops occasionally to jump up and down while alternately whining and making low guttural noises.

Finally, he disappears into the bathroom. After a few minutes he calls out.

“Mama? I need you!”

“What’s up?”

“I need you to keep me company. Can you sit on the edge of the bathtub?”

“Sure.”

We sit in silence for a while.

“Everything alright, Bob?”

“No. It wasn’t good.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I think you need to... I think you need to send me a care package.”


Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.

Bob Reclining: A One Act

The potty training is oh so rewarding. Progress is being made. Our boy is a tiny potty using machine. One of Bob’s favorite benefits of this new big boy underpants arrangement is his unprecedented easy access to his nether regions.

BOB RECLINING

(5:20 PM. BOB is relaxing on the couch. One of his hands rests casually inside of his pants. I enter from the kitchen)

ME

What’s going on there buddy?

BOB

I have my hand on my balls.

ME

Oh?

BOB

(whispers)
They are very fragile.


END SCENE

Potty Training Day 10: A One Act

It's day 10 and counting. Bob’s got the pee pee in the potty thing down. He lets us know when he’s got to go. He occasionally checks in to let us know when he doesn’t have to go, just to keep us in the pee pee loop. He will tell people behind us in line at Von's, "I'm dry!" He has even conquered his fear of public restrooms. (We’re still working on mine.) Lots of progress in the pees department, yet poops in the potty, are proving to be more elusive.

DAY 10

(4:15 PM. BOB and our dog DAISY are playing in the backyard. I enter the backyard from the house.)

ME

Hi guys. What are you doing?

BOB

(Running to greet ME)
Mama! I had a poo poo outside!

ME

You did? Oh no. Where did you do that?

BOB

(points to a small smear on the concrete)
Here!

ME

There's nothing there. Where's your poo poo?

BOB

It's in Daisy's tummy!

END SCENE

Potty Training Day 3: A One-Act

The potty training continues.

8 successes. 12 messes.

5 pots of coffee. 16 Advils.

DAY 3

(BOB runs from his bedroom into the living room.)

BOB

Mama! Mama!

ME

Yes Bob?

BOB

There is a poo poo on my floor.
(Whispers)
…And it smells like a faht.


END SCENE

Potty Training Day 2: A One-Act

Day 2 of potty training.

The training is working – on me. I am being trained to ask, “Are your pants dry? Are you dry? Are you still dry? Good for you for being dry. Yay! You’re dry! How about now? Are you dry?”

I hate the sound of my own voice.

DAY 2

(11:45am. BOB is standing in the living room, playing quietly.)

ME

Are your underpants dry, buddy?

BOB

Yes.

ME

Do you need to go pee pee?

BOB

Nope.
(Beat. Sound of urine hitting the floor.)

END SCENE

Potty Training Day 1: A One Act

Bob must be potty-trained in order to start pre-school in September. He has no interest in the potty and as the pages rip from the calendar, I worry. Online, I find an e-book titled, How to Potty Train Your Child in 3 Days. $17.00. Money back guarantee. Yeah, I know. But I'm desperate.

Here we go.

Together, Bob and I throw all of the remaining diapers in the garbage. He puts on his new big boy underpants. We are to role play using the potty over and over until the magic actually happens in the potty. We must then celebrate, throw a parade, call to report the event to Bob's inner circle (daddy, grandmas, aunties), and then role play some more. We are to do this all day. For three days. In a row. Without leaving the house.

So very desperate.

DAY 1

(10:30am. BOB is sitting on his potty.)

ME

Are you going pee pee?

BOB

I want to touch your eye.

ME

Are you going?

BOB

(Poking ME in the eye repeatedly)

It’s squishy squashy.

ME

Did you pee pee?

BOB

Let’s have candy!


END SCENE