Friday, October 16, 2009

Email from Elaine

My dear friend Elaine and her husband Eric traveled to China in August to meet, for the first time, their gorgeous, two and a half year-old son, Nicholas. They've all been back home in California a few months months now, settling in. I received the following email from Elaine yesterday. My responses to her are italicized.

Elaine wrote:
I just have a few questions...
When will I be able to use the restroom alone?

I have no idea. I don’t even bother to close the bathroom door in public places anymore.

Are these my only options for showering?

1. Get up at 6:00 before Nick wakes up and Eric has to bathe before work.

2. Have a toddler screaming outside the shower while I try to quickly wash myself.

3. Shower with my child and have him try to squeegee my legs when we are finished.

You are so cute! "Showering." There is a reason God invented Febreze.

My hair is “done” when it is firmly pulled out of my face with one of the 3-pack of headbands I bought at Dollar Tree. When did I become that mom?

A few months back, my darling son informed me, “Mama, you’re not a woman, you’re a mama.” I'm pretty sure he was talking about my hair.

How long will I need to listen to “Shake Your Sillies Out” before I stab myself in the eye with a Gerber Graduates® fork?

I’ve heard that some moms make it through The Wiggles experience by developing a crush on Anthony Field the “Sexy Wiggle.” I’ve had the Olivia theme song stuck in my heard for three days. No matter how hard I squint at the TV, Olivia’s dad just doesn’t do it for me.

Is it true that if you don’t look under the couch, there aren’t any toys there?

“Under the couch” is the Bermuda Triangle of the home.

Will I ever have the time for a manicure and a pedicure again? I’m not talking about at the salon. I mean just the “do-it-yourself” kind at home. Just wondering.


Should I even bother to buy “mom” clothes or are the yoga pants and Old Navy tank top going to be “it” for the next 16 years?

Sister, the yoga pants and tank ARE your “mom” clothes.

Why do (so-called?) friends and family give you toys that are either really, really loud & annoying, or have one million tiny pieces? (That is just plain mean.)

Obviously, they love your son and they hate you.

Miss you guys!


  1. The toy thing is a rite of passage that is perpetuated by those who came before you. I can't tell you how many times I have stood in Toys R Us malevolently wringing my hands and laughing at the prospect of bestowing a thousand piece Lego set on some unsuspecting toddler's parents. It was done to me countless times and now it is my job to do to others. Buy a lot of bins. This is just the beginning.

  2. A couple weeks ago, all I wanted was a hot bath. 15 minutes.

    So I put my husband in charge of the kid, drew my bath, climbed in ... and Shelby came in and tried to get in the tub with me. Fully clothed.

    So I hollered for my husband to come get her. He comes in and starts telling Shelby she's getting him in trouble. All 3 of us were in the bathroom for my whole bath.

    A couple nights later, my husband was camping and my daughter was spending the night with my mom so I thought I could finally get my bath.

    I drew my bath, climbed in, and there was a knock on the door. Are you kidding me? So I ignmored it. It came again. It was obvious whoever it was wasn't leaving. So I got out of the bath to answer it and it was my father in law. By then it was time to get ready to go to where I was going.

    I am still trying for that bath.

  3. hahahaaaaaa LOVE the shower thingy....first it was the pack & play for me, now I have taken to showering with him on the days that I do not get to shower when he is napping....sometimes I even have to shower at 9.30pm.....I have managed to avoid the "mum clothes"....and still manage to swipe on some makeup - even it it is just the MUST HAVE mascara and lip gloss so I do not frighten everyone in my building........however the bathroom thingy - yeah right - it is IMPOSSIBLE to go to the loo on your own. I do not remember what that is like....or talk on the phone....

  4. Some friends of mine who are expecting recently proclaimed that their child will NOT watch "Barney" or any other "silly programming". I politely asked them if they enjoy or at least need to do any of the following after their child is born: bathe, go to the toilet, call someone, cook something, eat something, or sit down for more than 10 seconds. When they replied "probably", I told them they would learn to really, really, really love "Barney" (and Elmo, Thomas, Dora, Diego, Muno, Foofa, Brobie...)