Bed Time Vernacular: A One Act

BED TIME VERNACULAR

JEFF and I are tucking BOB in for the night.

JEFF

Sweet dreams. Get some good sleep.

BOB

I don’t want to sleep, I want to live.

ME

Wow.

JEFF

Sleeping is living, Boo Boo.

ME

Sleeping is an important part of life.

BOB

Is music life?

JEFF

Yes.

BOB

Is supper life?

ME

If you are lucky, it’s a part of your life and you are very lucky. Now it's time to stop talking and get some sleep.

BOB

Okay but I just can’t do sleeping right now.

JEFF

Just try, Buddy. Mama will rub your back.

BOB

I can’t. I can’t sleep. I have a sleep ache.

ME

A sleep ache? I am totally stealing that.

JEFF

Me too. That’s so good.

BOB

Can I have a banana cut in pieces?


END SCENE

Excessive Force: A One Act

EXCESSIVE FORCE

BOB and I are sitting together on the floor watching TV.

ME

I think this cartoon is too old for you, Bob.

BOB

But Daddy recorded it for me.

ME

Clone Wars is supposed to be for older kids.

BOB

I'll be four on my birthday.

ME

There is just so much violence and fighting.

BOB

They are having battles. It's what they do.

ME

There is a whole ethical question about killing the Zillo Beast which will cause the extinction of its species. Then they kill him. It's too nuanced of a message for someone your age.

BOB

The Jedi Knights are there to keep everyone else safe.

ME

It's very sad.

BOB
(Whispers)

Are you saying you don't... like... The... Force?

ME

Wow. That sounded like a threat.

BOB

It wasn't a threat, it was a question.

ME

Okay. And yes, I like The Force.

(Beat)

BOB

What's a threat?


END SCENE

The Reviews Are In: A One Act

THE REVIEWS ARE IN

I am in the kitchen doing the dishes. BOB enters.

BOB

What are you doing in here, Mama?

ME

I’m singing.

BOB

What is that song?

ME

It’s the theme to The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

BOB

It’s a bad song.

ME

You’re wrong, my love. It’s a classic.

BOB

Classic and not good. What is it from?

ME

It’s from a TV show.

BOB

What TV show? Yo Gabba Gabba?

ME

The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

BOB

If they sing it on that show then you should just let the TV do its job.

ME

Wow. Thanks.


END SCENE

Cabin Fever: A One Act

Today was day five of Bob's bronchitis. Jeff was away for the weekend so other than a trip to the pediatrician, Bob and I have been in the house for 128 hours straight. We are getting a little punchy. Every conversation is starting to feel like the kind you have in a booth at Canter's Deli at 4:00am.

CABIN FEVER

I am laying on the couch. BOB is hopping up and down in front of me.

BOB

Thorax. Thooooooorrrrrax. Thorax.

ME

Do you have a thorax, Bobby?

BOB

No. Only insects have a thorax. I just have this body with my own bottom.

(BOB turns around and drops his pajama pants to show me his behind.)

ME

Wow. Okay. I get it. Nice.

BOB

(BOB turns around and pulls his pants up.)

I am also magic.


END SCENE

Robot Plans: A One Act

Robot Schematic Diagram; First Draft by Bob and Daddy

ROBOT PLANS

BOB and DADDY sit on the floor of Bob's room loading blocks, Legos and assorted finger-puppets into the back of a battery operated dump truck.

BOB


Daddy? I need to build a robot.

DADDY


Oh?

BOB


I want to make a robot today. 


DADDY

You know Uncle Andy builds robots. That’s his job.

BOB

What kinds of robots?

DADDY

Well, he builds robots for rocket ships.

BOB

OK but I don't need the rocket ship yet. Just the robot. Can we build a robot with him? I want one.


DADDY

Let's call Uncle Andy.


(DADDY presses speed dial 5.)

UNCLE ANDY

Hello?

DADDY


It’s your brother-in-law and also your nephew. You're on speaker.

BOB


Uncle Andy! I need to build a robot with you now.


UNCLE ANDY

Hi Bob. 
What kind of robot?

BOB


A good robot, not a bad one. I want a nice robot that does not break things. And it brings snacks. I want a nice robot that will bring snacks.


END SCENE

NOTE: Later that evening, Daddy Googled "snack robot" and finds the following image on a site called Technabob. I think Bob's on to something.

Night Passport: A One Act

NIGHT PASSPORT

I am sitting on the edge of BOB'S bed, tucking him in for the night. I kiss him on the forehead.

ME

Night night, sweetheart. Now, close your eyes.

BOB

I don't want to close my eyes.

ME

Why, Poops?

BOB

Because I'll go to another country.

ME

Other countries are nice. You've been to other countries before.

BOB

When I was a baby?

ME

When you were younger.

BOB

Where? What countries?

ME

Well... you went to England and Germany and Mexico. You were in the Netherlands and Austria...

BOB

Oh. Those are good countries.

ME

So close your eyes and have sweet dreams.

BOB

Maybe I can dream about ice skating except if the water isn't freezing yet it's just water and then you can't walk on it.

ME

Why don't you dream about birthdays and cake?

BOB

Oh. That's a good idea. I really like cake. Cake would be a great country.

(BOB closes his eyes.)


END SCENE

I Know Them: A One Act

I KNOW THEM

It is 11:00 AM. BOB and I are at the Zoo.

BOB

Those are big turtles.

ME
(Reading from the sign)

Those are Aldabra tortoises. The scientific name is Geochelone Gigantea.

BOB

Those are big tortoises.

ME

It says the Aldabra tortoise is from the Aldabra Atoll in the Seychelles Islands of the Indian Ocean.

BOB

Is that a mama and a daddy?

ME

Maybe?

BOB

It is.

ME

How can you tell?

BOB

I know them. See? They are having a talk.

ME

What are they talking about?

BOB

Maybe snacks? I like snacks.

ME

Me too.

BOB

Now they are kissing.

ME

You think so?

BOB

Hurry. We have to go.

ME

Why? What's wrong?

BOB

They want a privacy for the kissing. I know them. Mama, don’t look.

END SCENE

Geography: A One Act

A few weeks ago Bob made the move to the Big Boy Bed. At bedtime, Jeff sits with him as Bob falls asleep so that they can enjoy quality father/son time and to ensure that our tiny, sleepy, angel does not escape the bed and run through the house pulling his clothes off while yelling, “Damn it! I am a naughty bunny! You are a pee-head! Damn! I am so crazy!” Not that this has ever happened more than 6 times.

During their heart to hearts, the guys cover the big issues.

GEOGRAPHY

(BOB is tucked in bed. JEFF sits, folded into the small space at the foot of the tiny Big Boy Bed.)

JEFF

Uncle Matt and Aunt Tina and Baby Ruby are coming on an airplane to see you tomorrow.

BOB

Where Uncle Matt and Aunt Tina live?


JEFF

They live in Chicago.

BOB

Who's from Chicago?


JEFF

Uncle Matt and Aunt Tina and Baby Ruby.


BOB

Who else from Chicago?


JEFF

Well... Cousin Rachel’s from Chicago. Barack Obama's from Chicago.

BOB

Barack Obama's coming on the airplane?


JEFF

No.



BOB

Where is Barack Obama?

JEFF

He’s probably in Washington DC. Or this week Martha’s Vinyard, I think.


BOB

No, no. He's in Brace-el-y.


JEFF

Brace-el-y? I don’t know what that is.



BOB

Brace-el-y is in Los Angeles.


JEFF

Is that right?


BOB

Yes, it's next to Star Wars. Darth Vader lives in Star Wars.


JEFF

OK.


BOB

Yes and that's also next to GI Joe.


JEFF

OK, good night, Buddy.


END SCENE

Theology: A One Act

THEOLOGY

(BOB and I are sitting at the dining room table. BOB is painting with a watercolor set while I am in front of the computer, blocking spam "followers" off of my Twitter account.)

BOB

Who made me?

ME

Wow. Already? I don’t have a prepared statement for this yet.

BOB

No, who made me?

ME


Um, God did with me and Daddy.

BOB

God? Where is he?

ME

Everywhere.

BOB

Can I see him?

ME

Yes. If you know where to look.

BOB

He likes me?

ME

More than anything.

BOB

All the time?

ME

Yes.

BOB

God is the Easter Bunny?

ME

No.

BOB

I really, really like candy.

END SCENE

The Family Tree: A One Act

THE FAMILY TREE
(11:15 AM. BOB and I are walking home from the park.)

BOB

Uncle Dave is my wife and also Daisy is my wife and we are married?

ME

Uncle Dave is our friend and Daisy is your dog.

BOB

Adam from the park is my nephew?

ME

Adam from the park is your friend and you do not have a nephew.

BOB

Mama is my married wife and also my horse Wallace is my sister?


I am married to daddy and Wallace is a nice horse doll.

BOB

Teddy is married to Daisy and I am also having a wife with Kelly from my summer school who is my wife and I am her grandma and daughter-nephew.

ME

I don’t know even know where to go with that.

BOB

Grandma Sylvia has grapes? She is grapes, Grandma Sylvia?

ME

Great Grandma Sylvia. Great not grapes.

BOB

She is great, grapes-grandma Sylvia.

ME

Yes she is.


END SCENE

Today You Are Not a Man: A One Act

TODAY YOU ARE NOT A MAN

(12:25 PM. BOB and I are driving home from the library.)

BOB

I am a man?

ME

You are a boy. Someday, you will be a man.

BOB

I am a grown up?

ME

No, you are a boy right now, not a grown up.

BOB

Now?

ME

No. Not now, many, many years from now.


(We travel another 30 seconds in silence.)

BOB

Am I grown up now?! Now am I one?! When am I grown up?!

ME

You are a grown up when you buy your own coffee table.

(Beat)

BOB

I want a coffee table.


END SCENE