Another Pop Quiz

 
"Mom, what band is playing right now?"

"The Raconteurs."

"What is a Cadillac, exactly?"

"It's a brand of car."

"What's that sign at the doctor's office with the snakes on it?"

"It's called caduceus."

"Why does it have snakes?"

"I don't know that part."

"Who's the Lone Ranger actor?"

"Armie Hammer."

"What's the difference between a throw up, a vomit, and a barf?"

"They're all the same."

"I like saying barf the best."

I Wasn't Told There'd Be a Test

 
"Hey, Mom? Do we have any snakes in our neighborhood?

"I'm not really sure."

"What was the first state?"

"I'm not really clear on that. I can look it up."

"What's the most popular brand of car?"

"I don't know."

"If a king cobra battled Wolverine who would win?"

"I have no idea."

"What about if a Siamese Fighting Fish battled a goldfish?"

"Umm, the fighting fish?'

"I think you finally got one."

Checking

"Mom, am I ever going to get rid of this cold?"

"You will. I promise."

"But how do you know?"

"I know things."

"You don't know everything."

"No, but I know this."

"You don't know about those new Lego Chima sets very much."

"Pretty sure those two things aren't related."

"That's good. I mean, really."

The Consumer

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"Mom, you know when you pack me a lunch with a turkey and cheese sandwich in it, the cheese gets all bendy?"

"Okay."

"Did you know they have this special kind of lunchbox that has a cooling technology that acts as like a mini-fridge and keeps all of the snacks cool?"

"Sounds like someone's been watching commercials again."

"Please, Mom? Can we get one? I don't like floppy cheese."

The NYC

"Mom? Do they have any kind of food in New York City that we can't get at home?"

"Probably. You can get anything you want in New York City."

"Even sushi?"

"Yeah, but that's pretty great in California too."

"I bet it's super great in Japan because that's where they bake all the sushi."

Lather

"Mom, are these lady bubbles or is it okay for boys to use them too?"

Christmas Q and A

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"So, Mom? Is the North Pole near Michigan?"

"Not exactly."

"Do Santa's pets go on the sleigh on Christmas and if they stay home, who lets them outside to go to the bathroom?"

"I don't think pets go in the sleigh and Mrs. Claus lets them out or maybe there's a pet-elf?"

"Are reindeers turbo? Is that how they go so fast?"

"Yes."

May Be

"Dad? Can you imagine if the month after May was May?"

"Why would you imagine that, Bob?"

"Well I would imagine that because if after May it was May and then May and May, every month would be my birthday. That would be awesome."

"But then everyone without a May birthday would never get a birthday."

"It's okay. Everyone could have May. We'll share."

"What about Christmas?"

"May!"

Inventory

After we returned from trick or treating, Bob dumped his Halloween bag out on the table.

"Is this a chocolate one, Mom?"

"Yep. It's a Kit Kat."

"What flavor is this lollipop?"

"Strawberry."

"What are these?"

"Those are called Dots. They're really chewy."

"You can have those Dots, Mom." Bob then picked up the bottled water he had received as a treat from the house around the corner. "I know what this one is - it's called healthy. You can have that one too."

Odd Jobs

"Mom? Did you know J.P.'s mom works with brains?"

"Yep. I do know that."

"And she's a mom."

"That's true. Do you know what I do?"

"You're my mom and you write things on the computer and do clothes folding."

"Pretty accurate. Do you know what your dad does?"

"He goes to work."

"Do you know what he does there?"

"He does computers and cowboy hats."

"Cowboy hats?"

"Yeah."

"I'll have to ask him about that one."

Bang

"Okay, so Dad? A long time ago there was a big bang, a really big bang and it made planets and caused the universe to life?"

"Something like that, right."

"For that biggest bang did God use a really big gun?"

"Um... no."

The Opposite of Minty

"Mom? Can we have a meeting right now?

"Who?"

"You and me. I have something important for us to do talking about."

"Sure. What's up, Bob?"

"I can't like that spicy toothpaste. I need a different tasting flavor."

"Okay. We can look for a different one."

"I want cheese flavor. It's orange and tastes like a cheese."

"I don't think they have that."

"But they very should."

Geographically Desirable

"Mama? I did it."

"What's that, Bob?"

"I figured out where heaven is."

"Yeah? I didn't know you were working on that."

"Heaven is near the airport."

"Which airport? LAX?"

"Yeah. Since God is everywhere all the time and also God is in heaven then heaven must be near the airport. Or South America. By the bottom."

"You mean like Tierra Del Fuego? Why the bottom of South America?"

"I don't know."

"South America sounds more heavenly than the Wally Park on Century Boulevard."

What To Do in a Fancy Pants Grown Up Restaurant by Bob Rosenberg

1. You can tell a Fancy Pants Grown Up Restaurant (FPGUR) sometimes by the tablecloths because they have them and there are no trays that you put your own food on.

2. You can tell it's a FPGUR for sure if your mom keeps reminding you to use your "library voice" a whole lot.

3. At a FPGUR there is sometimes a snack before the food so that you don't want to eat your supper as much. Sometimes it's bread and butter and sometimes it's stuff you don't want sitting on some leaves.

4. You can get a burger sometimes or a grilled cheese at some places and those are good. Ask to get "fry-cans" with your burger. Your mom or dad will explain to the other grown ups that when you were the baby-of-you, you loved garbage cans so much and they were your favorite so the baby-of-you added the word "can" to everything and you still call fries, "fry-cans" and isn't that funny?

5. You already knew since you were a little kid, like last year or month, that french fries are called "french fries" made from potatoes but you should still call them "fry-cans" because you like to hear the story about the garbage cans and everything.

6. Slide under the table and look at feet and shoes.

7. After your dad makes you put your bottom back in the seat, drop some restaurant crayons or a Bakugan under the table and then they have to let you go back under the table and you can look at some more feet and shoes.

8. Get full with the bread snack and some butter chunks and then fall asleep with your head on your mom's lap. You will do dreaming and everything during all of the grown up talking and the really super long coffee part of dinner and that is really good.

9. When the FPGUR dinner is over you can get carried out by your dad and not even have to walk and then you can eat your burger at home on your Star Wars plate like normal.