Monday, March 30, 2015

Parenting: The Relay Race

4:15am - Child rises, requests glass of water. Dad takes the baton, gets out of bed, steps on dog, dog shrieks. Dad jumps up, lands on sneaker, slams top of bald head into closet door.  Bleeds. Retrieves water while cursing.

6:10am - Child rises again, requests breakfast snacks and SpongeBob. The baton goes to Mom.

7:20am - Mom makes school lunch of sandwich child will not eat because he no longer likes "that kind of cheese," apple slices that will still be in the lunchbox when it is opened tomorrow morning, and a baggie of popcorn that may or may not be traded for Matteo's baggie of goldfish crackers.

7:45am - Dad walks child to school, dog and baton in tow. Leaves child and baton at school gate. Dad walks back home with dog and plastic bag of dog browns.

7:50am - Baton and child are retrieved by child's teacher, Miss H. Miss H will seamlessly guide child and the rest of the class, from spelling to Rainbow Rug Time, to PE, to social studies, and a timed math test. She does not tire and never once drops the baton while gliding over rough terrain. *Note: Miss H is in her twenties.

2:05pm - Child meets Mom at school pick up and transfers baton. Child downloads the day's events including when Dustin, "acted like an egomaniac during kickball and called foul when it totally wasn't one because he thinks he's so great all the time." Baton feels heavier than it did this morning.

2:25pm - Child and mother return home. Mailman arrives. Dog barks. Child yells for dog to stop barking. Mom yells for child to stop yelling. Dog steals baton and attempts to bury it in backyard.

3:10pm - Before Mom and child leave for the park, sunscreen must be applied. Child screams, "Not in my eyes!" four times. Nervous dog eats underpants left on the floor near the hamper. Spitty baton is retrieved from backyard.

3:20pm - The park is hot and Matteo isn't there yet. Child is aggressively displeased with the extreme boredom he is experiencing. Mom sets down baton briefly and checks email on her iPhone.

4:15pm - Baton is picked up by Matteo's father who plays soccer with the kids. Mom texts Dad to find out his estimated time of arrival from work. Dad agrees to pick up dinner on the way home from Thai place by the freeway offramp.

5:30pm - Mom is twirling the baton, waiting for Dad and pad see ew to arrive. Mom puts a load of whites in, does dishes, and helps with homework including creation of a Jackie Robinson paper bag puppet. Mom reminds child to feed dog.

6:10pm - Dad is home. Dinner is served. Baton is passed.

7:15pm - Dad starts bath for child. Child requests that Dad stay in the bathroom to keep him company. Child recounts math homework that Mom has helped him with. Dad explains why the answers Mom helped him get to are incorrect. Mom wasn't the math major.

8:20pm - Child requests that Dad read to him before bed. Dad reads two chapters of The Wild Soccer Bunch. Mom arrives to say good night. Dad flips the baton to Mom as she says prayers.

9:10pm - Mom checks on child to make sure he is breathing because some things never change. She falls asleep with one hand clutching the baton. Late night water duty his hers tonight.


  1. Maybe you can leave a bottle of water by Bob's bed to delay the start of the relay because even 6 is just so early. Pad see ew is a fave for us too!

  2. So true, so good - so funny!

  3. Okay - I now realize you have become a part of my "internet family": When your post was not up by early this evening(on my computer/east coast time), I was actively worried about you. And I thought about you when my Mavericks tickets arrived the other day. One step up from crying like a baby when Daisy died. Such is the magic of the internet!

    1. Thank you for worrying about me! (Just moving slow today.) You're the best. xoxo