Happy Halloween From Michael Jackson

The Billie Jean version of MJ. And the kid actually is my son.

Obviously

"Mom? When I grow up and have a kid, if he's going to be a boy, I'm going to name him Jeff, after Dad."

"That's very nice, babe."

"And if she's a girl, I'll name her Page like your name."

"Thank you, honey."

"And if it's a dog, I'll name it Johnny because obviously that's an awesome, maybe the awesomest, dog name ever. I mean, besides Teddy."

Characters

"Hey, Bob? What are you going to be for Halloween?"

"Michael Jackson. Motown 25th Anniversary Billie Jean, Michael Jackson."

"That's cool."

"What about you, Felix?"

"I'm going to be a silhouette."

"You mean like a shadow?'

"Kind of, but more of a silhouette."

"That's cool."

I Had Food Poisoning Sitting On A Diaper Genie, So You Don't Have To

When Bob was two, we lived on the west side in a funky rental house that had many issues. Our landlord was not exactly a hands-on type, so she hired a construction company to take care of a few of the larger problems we had listed for her but she was too cheap to put us up somewhere else during the work.

The construction company sent us Pedro, a young carpenter who whistled ranchero music while he worked. Pedro came and went intermittently over the course of a few months, painting baseboards, laying new thresholds, and cutting doors to fit their frames. 

A few weeks into the process, there was a 3-day project that involved building a new sub-floor in our only bathroom, in order to lay a new tiled floor over it. On those mornings, Pedro would remove the toilet and set it in the hall, and then re-install it back in the bathroom at the end of the day. For me, this resulted in a lot of quick drives, young Bob in tow, to the park down the street to use the public rest room. 

One of these mornings, I woke up with a stomachache. I tried to relax the rumblings with a few swigs of Pepto Bismol. After Bob got up from his morning nap, it became apparent that we were going to have to make a quick trip to the park. My stomach situation was starting to feel desperate. We had to get out of there, now. 

I dressed toddler-Bob and as I packed up the diaper bag, I broke into a sweat. It quickly dawned on me that I was not going to make it to the car, much less the park. I could hear Pedro and the tile guy on the other side of the wall, moving the cabinets. Whatever was about to happen, it was going to have to happen in Bob’s room. It was time to get creative. 

I scanned the room; rocking chair, chest of drawers, hamper. Bob sat on the floor, playing with a toy tractor. My gaze landed on the Diaper Genie, a tall, slim plastic trash-can type apparatus with a lid, designed to hold dirty diapers without releasing the dirty diaper scent into the room. I had my answer.  

“Mama! No pants!”

Bob had noticed my oddly balanced stance over the Genie. I could hear Pedro and the tile guy in the hallway, just outside. Bob drove his tractor towards the door.

“I show Pedro tractor!”

“No, Bob! Don’t touch the door,” I hissed. 

“Pedro!” Bob reached up, his little hand turned the door knob.

“Oh, God. No, Bob!” I sat frozen. Bob pulled opened the door. The hall was empty. I could hear Pedro and the tile guy out in the living room. Pedro yelled, “Be back in ten, Miss Lisa,” as he walked out, shutting the front door behind him. 

We spent the rest of the day at the park.

***

My friends Liz, Ann, Wendi, Tarja, and Nancy are here to help you too. They've also done some questionable things so you don't have to. Check them out:

·  I Spent 3 Solid Days Obsessing Over Grout Color So You Don’t Have To – Elizabeth McGuire

·  I Wrote Another Godforsaken Blogiversary Post So You Don't Have To - Ann Imig

·  I Toured Washington DC in a Night Bus So You Don’t Have To - Wendi Aarons

·  I'm Surviving October So You Don't Have To - The Flying Chalupa

   I Listened To KidszBop So You Don't Have To - Midlife Mixtape

Priorities

"So, Mom? Instead of an allowance, can I just buy three songs on iTunes every week?"

"I don't think you should spend your whole allowance every week. Let's just do one song. At some point you might want the money you've saved for something else."

"I doubt it. Music is my life. Music and soccer. And Minecraft."

Smacksy Sunday Links

8 things you should let go of right now. (Except maybe the sleep part. I like the sleep.)

The ten commandments of a clutter free life.

And a sloth eating the carrots. And only the carrots.

Happy Sunday.

Smacksy Saturday Photo

How did he get to be so long?

The Carve

"Hey, Mom? Should we carve the pumpkins soon?'

"I think we should wait until closer to Halloween. It's been so hot, if we carve them too early they'll get all moldy."

"Yeah but the black furry stuff is the scary part!"

The Short List

"Guess what, Mom? I've decided that now is a good time to make my Christmas list."

"Oh, okay."

"I'm not asking for a lot though."

"All right."

"Mom? How do you spell computer?"

Science-y

"Mom? Last night I had a dream I was with Albert Einstein and he was showing me a wormhole."

"Wow. Really?"

"Yeah. I think I had that dream because the thing I'm best at drawing at is wormholes. Well, wormholes and ice cream cones."

Plotting

"Hey, babe. How's Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde?"

"It's pretty good, except so far it's only about the one guy."

Features

When my husband gets behind the wheel of any car other than his own, his first move, before adjusting the seat or mirrors, is to turn up the bass on the car stereo. He doesn’t listen to the music first, he just knows that wherever the bass level is set, it will not be high enough. I get it. He’s a drummer. It’s one of his quirks.  In my friend Karen’s family, they refer to each other’s (often annoying) quirks as “features.” I asked Mr. Rosenberg about my quirks. I thought he might name a few endearing little habits, instead I heard a list of my “features.”

I have a violent attachment to “my” chair at the kitchen table. Mr. R says that I am protective of my chair in a Big-Bang-Theory-Sheldon-y way. It’s a feature.

When we had carpets with fringe on the ends, I combed out the fringe three times a day to “untangle” it. Doesn’t everyone do this? No, apparently it’s another feature.

My sock drawer is organized so that the little faces on my adorable animal print socks are all adorably looking up. It’s a sock cuteness zoo. Fine. Feature.

Back when I was a single lady, I kept a vigorously clean apartment, placing everything just so. Before anyone came over, I would mess something up a little so as not to appear as if I had pathologically cleaned the apartment. This of course is it’s own pathological situation. Yeah. Feature.

I will only drink half a cup of coffee at a time. I may have four half cups (which is really only two cups) but the coffee will be from four different cups. Once the coffee is tepid, I’m out. And we have another feature.

Do not like showers. Part of me is always warm while the other half of me is cold. I know, I know. Feature.

I am always cold. I’m the one in the cardigan on a hot day. Mr. Rosenberg is always warm and insists on running the AC at all times. We’re really fun on a road trip. Feature.

I face my bills in my wallet and keep them in order by denomination. This is something else I thought everyone did. Guess not. Hello, feature.

I have hundreds of nicknames for my son. Feature.

My hair and the chances that a situation will get my hair wet or turn it into a damp, frizz,y hair-pile influence my life choices. More often than not, I will get in the pool, but only up to here. I’m told this is a feature.

How lucky is Mr. Rosenberg to have a wife with all of these fun after market extras? I tell him just how lucky he is quite often. I guess that’s a feature too.

My friend Ann has her quirk manifesto on her blog today too. You can find it here. She is a quirky delight.

Smacksy Sunday Links

A list of stressful things you tolerate too often.

What some other folks you know are reading. Yes, it's a link to something on Goop. So sue me.

And a little screech owl enjoying a relaxing massage.

Happy Sunday.

Smacksy Saturday Photo: Rounding the Corner

Fuzzy like a memory.

So Be Good For Goodness Sake

"Mom, I can't wait for Christmas."

"It's a good time, all right."

"Yeah, and this year I'm finally going to catch Santa. I'm getting ready now with a plan."

"He doesn't come if you're not asleep. Remember? 'He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake.'"

"But maybe if I bake something that smells so good, he won't be able to stay away, and then I'll stay up all night."

"I don't think that follows the protocol."

"It's all undercover, Mom."

Open Spaces

"Mom, this spelling assignment is the best homework ever. If I could do all of my homework on the sidewalk it would be so cool. I could like, live out here."

Reads

"Have you guys been reading a lot for the read-a-thon?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

"I did 236 minutes last week."

"Whoa."

"They should give us points for playing Minecraft. There are some reading parts, and everything."

"We would totally own that read-a-thon."

Bones-ish

"Mom, the new skeleton is awesome."

"He is! What are you going to name him? Skeletor?"

"No."

"Bones?"

"No."

"Ghost Rider? Mr Bonejangles? Jack Skellington?"

"No. I'm going to name him Chris."

Gallery Show

"See, Mom? The restaurant put up me and Felix's pictures with all the other good art."

Smacksy Sunday Links

Why you should give away half of your stuff.

Hikers discovered an abandoned town. This was everywhere this week. Did you see it?

Cat/Deer love situation.

Happy Sunday.

Smacksy Saturday Photo: Holy Heck!

Sometimes only four-letter words will do.

"Had to"

"See, first there's a thing you jump into a hole that is an abyss or not. Then you move on to lava parkour. Then you're in a mine cart, you have a bow and arrow, you try to shoot the painting and your mine cart. And there's also beds to set your spawn. And there's really hard parkour, then you have to shoot a bow and arrow at paintings again, then you have to open the correct door and mine the blocks in front of the door. If you open the correct one, you have to do some parkour and there's one that lava parkour. You climb up a ladder, you get a mine cart, you go off the mine cart track, then you try to not fall in lava. Then there's a sign that says, 'You made it.'"

"I thought you didn't like Minecraft anymore. "

"I didn't but I had to change my mind because I needed to build an epic obstacle course."

He Said It

"Mom? I've decided I'm not into Minecraft anymore."

"Seriously?"

"Yep. I'm just into sports, music, reading, and Spongebob."

"Wow."

"I know. Change happens, Mom."

Yeah, That

"... and that's what they mean by 'genetic trait.'"

"So, Mom? Like the genetic traits I have from you are my hair color and my skin color and the ones I get from Dad are that I'm tall and smart?"

"Yeah, and I think you could say you get 'smart' from both of us."

"I know you're smart too but I mean like really smart like Dad."

Haunted Gingerbread House

"Mom, we have to make the pumpkin on here orange or it won't be realistic anymore."

ER

"Mom, I still can't believe I had to have stitches. I felt like I was dreaming."

"I'm glad it was only two stitches. You were very brave."

"But I wasn't brave, I was afraid and I cried too."

"Being brave is not about not having fear. Being brave is about being afraid and doing it anyway."

"Oh, okay. Well then I guess I was very VERY brave."

Smacksy Sunday Links

50 ways to be a great person to a child - or anyone, really.

A few simple words about redefining abundance.

And a family of owls discover a camera near their nest. So great.

Happy Sunday.

Smacksy Saturday Photo: On the Floor

Bob's office and co-worker.

Just Park It Anywhere

Not my idea of comfortable, but no judgement.

This Film, You Guys

Yesterday I saw a lovely short film about expression, community, and love. Directed by Jeannette Godoy, Free 2 Be Me, follows one season of a dance company populated by children with Down Syndrome. I watched it, crying happy tears throughout. Later, I watched it with Bob. He's never met anyone with Down Syndrome and it was a wonderful introduction for him.

October is National Down Syndrome Awareness Month so this is the perfect time to support this film, and these dancers.

Watch the movie here. It's a sweet half hour that will be impossible to forget.

R-O-B-E-R-T

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