Mammals

"So, Mom?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Can I touch your chest place private parts?"

"What's up?"

"Why do ladies have bigger those parts?"

"Those parts are breasts. They are designed for feeding babies. Lots of animals feed their babies that way."

"People aren't animals, Mama."

"We are, Bud. We're mammals."

"Oh."

"I fed you like that when you were a baby. You don't remember?"

"Mom?"

"Yes, Babe?"

"The truth is a robot cowboy."

"Alrighty."

I'll Take a Warm Up, Thanks

On our weekend trip, Jeff and Bob and I had breakfast at a country themed restaurant/gift shop. We were surrounded by floral wallpaper borders and vintage apple crate art. There were garlands of silk flowers and candles shaped like cows. A young bride and her bridesmaids sat in a booth nearby plotting the next few hours leading up to her wedding. A retired couple shared a newspaper at the table across the way. Jeff got up to pay the bill and Bob and I stayed behind finishing our eggs.

“Mama? I’m a Battle Droid. You are Princess Leia and I am going to blast you.”

“Okay, but finish your scone-thing, babe.”

“I have a blaster and I will blast your arm!”

“Mmm hmm.”

A small group of Red Hat Society ladies walked by wearing matching “We’re On a Road Trip!” t-shirts.

“I am blasting your tummy!”

“Please do.”

“I am blasting your bottom!”

“Okay, Bob. Let’s settle down.”

“Now I am blasting your vag-“

“Do not finish that thought! Let’s talk about something else, please.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Mama? Does God like biscuits?”

“Yes he does.”

Anatomy 105: A One Act

My mom (Meemee) stayed with Bob this evening while Jeff and I went out for a few hours. To delay the actual sleeping part of bedtime, Bob engaged Meemee in conversation.

ANATOMY 105: A ONE ACT

BOB is laying in bed. MEEMEE rubs his back .

MEEMEE

Time to close your eyes.

BOB

Your skin is there to hold in your bones.

MEEMEE

That’s right, and your blood, and your muscles, and organs.

BOB

Yeah.

MEEMEE

That’s why when you cut yourself you bleed. Your skin gets a little break in it and then you have to use a BandAid.

BOB

(lifting his shirt)
These are my bones.

MEEMEE

Those are your ribs.

BOB

They hold everything inside together.

MEEMEE


Yes, they do.

BOB

Let me show you my balls.


END SCENE

Holy Jellyfish

Bob was a little clingy as Jeff was dropping him off at Sunday school. The sweet, young teacher, Miss Maria, was working to engage Bob in an art project.

“Look Bob, today we are making these jellyfish.”

“Hey, check those out Buddy. Aren’t they cool?” said Jeff.

“That’s a plate?” Bob asked.

“That’s right. We take half of a paper plate and we’ll use that as the jellyfish’s body. You can color it. Would you like to make one?”

“Yeah.”

“Bob, let’s say that nicely,” said Jeff.

“Yes please, Miss Maria.”

“Sure, Bob. We can use these colorful streamers to make his testicles,” said Miss Maria. She paused, and instantly paled as she realized her anatomical gaffe. Jeff smiled.

“Tentacles, we’ll make tentacles,” corrected Miss Maria.

“We can do both, Miss Maria?” asked Bob.

Contrary to the evidence, Miss Maria is not a blood relative.

Daddy's Parts: A One Act

At some point we will get this whole anatomy deal all worked out. I fear that point is no time soon.

DADDY’S PARTS

(BOB and I are in the backyard playing with bubbles.)

BOB

Mama has a bagina.

ME

Yes.

BOB

Daddy has a penis and a bagina.

ME

No. I can assure you with certainty - that is not true.

BOB

He does. I saw it.

ME

I saw it more and he doesn’t.

BOB

Then what is that? It’s Daddy’s bottom? Where poo comes out?

ME

He does have a bottom.

(Pause.)

BOB

Are you sure it’s not a bagina?


END SCENE