Wednesday, January 9, 2013

On Loss

Many people I know are having hard times with losses right now - loves lost through various means. I read that there is a “break-up corridor” between New Year’s and Valentine’s Day when more relationships fail than any other time of year. I don’t know the cause but it does seem to be heartbreak season. In consoling friends, I’ve given a lot of thought lately to endings and the new beginnings that come from them.

I know about complicated relationships with complicated people and complicated endings. There are some things that helped me... and continue to help me.



I had to acknowledge that for me, a heartbreak of any kind is a death, the loss of something or someone present, yes, but also the loss of the future I will never get to have. Letting go of that future and the life I had imagined for myself was incredibly difficult. I was left without that future and left without a direction. Like the loss of an arm, I will never be the same but I have learned how to live with the loss and how to get around in the world with one good arm. That phantom limb syndrome is a bitch, though – sometimes even twenty-five years later.

It can be gut wrenching to hear the word, “no,” whether you are hearing it come from your mouth or a mouth that you love. Bad timing is another way the universe has of saying “no” or “not now” and the what-ifs and second-guessing that go with that are treacherous country.



People may tell you that time, just time, will help. I have not found that to be true. I have had to work at it. I worked at re-framing the experiences little by little. I allowed myself to be sad about them and know to some degree, I always will be. My experiences in loss have made me a more vulnerable person and this in turn has made me a better woman. The life I have now is amazing and I would never have gotten here if things had played out even a tiny bit differently.



Therapy helps. Friends and family help. Faith helps. Writing helps. Dark chocolate helps. And thank God for sad songs and anti-depressants. If you are in a bad spot right now, I believe the universe does not want you to be lonely. The universe wants you to be happy. You will be happy, but first you won't be. This I believe with all my mended heart. 






45 comments:

  1. I see where Bob gets his wisdom.
    "I work at reframing my experiences little by little." I believe that that is what it takes. I also think maybe it takes time to be able to allow yourself to do that.
    Your words ring so true. I am not in a place of sadness right now, but I hope that those who are will have their eyes fall upon your words today.
    Thanks for writing.

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  2. What really beautiful advice.

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  3. Wonderful and deep. Just like you.

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  4. You are my beautiful friend. Seriously, your soul is gorgeous.

    xoxoxo

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  5. Beautifu advice. And I'd have to agree, esp about the dark chocolate.

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  6. Beautifully written! Loss is such an all encompassing word and your thoughts on paper covered as many as I could imagine.

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  7. "The universe wants you to be happy. You will be happy, but first you won't be. This I believe with all my mended heart."

    That is so beautiful. Having experienced a fair amount of loss myself, I know it's made me more vulnerable, surely, but definitely less likely to try again. I. Just. Can't. 


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  8. Beautiful post. Perfect timing. Thank you.

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  9. This is one for bookmarking in the heart. Unfortunately we will all need it sooner or later. Hopefully later.

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  10. I'm struggling to find my words just now. This is exactly how I feel about a couple losses in my past, but I've never been able to articulate it. Now you've done it for me; thank you. Lovely post.

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  11. I sure love you, and miss your words. They always make me feel better.

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    1. Thank you, sweet Dera. I miss and love YOU. xo

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  12. Feeling things as a result of this. Needed to.

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  13. I said this when I shared this stunning post on FB, too. Your words are like gems I carry in my pocket and I can take them out and admire their glittery truth when I need them. So grateful you are in my life.

    -xo

    -Ellie

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  14. I love and respect you very much. And you are so very wise. Molly

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  15. Our family just lost a dear dear friend to suicide, six short days ago. Once again Lisa, your words ring so true in my heart. Thank you for your beautiful writing. Your words have helped this broken heart feel just a wee bit better. <3

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  16. Gorgeous. I've marked this to re-read and drink-in and remember. xo.

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  17. Beautiful post, Lisa. With my parents having just broken a second times (yes, the holidays were THAT good), I'm going to pass this along to my father. Happiness awaits, but first you mourn.

    xo

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  18. Thank you so much - such kind, insightful words.

    Thank you.

    T.

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  19. I am so glad I found your blog, since I am right at this point now and you put into words what I was feeling.
    I know the universe wants me to be happy so I am working to achieve it.

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  20. In my humble opinion the best thing you've written here. I adore this for it's clarity, honesty and truth. Thank you.

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