TGIFlu

"How are you feeling, Bob?"

"I'm super glad the doctor told me I could go to school today because Fridays are always fun. And I really feel fine! I just have this cough where I cough and cough and can't stop coughing and a scratchy weird voice and I think I might have a fever and maybe the chills, but mostly I'm super good."

Symptoms

"Is your brother still sick, Felix?"

"Sort of but not as bad as night before last when he had a fever. When I touched him it felt like ---"

"Touching a hot oven that you're making pizza in?"

"No."

"Touching a kid who's been outside playing soccer on a really hot day?"

"No."

"Touching the top of your head after you stand under the heater?"

"No. He felt like if you had the heater on and you were making pizza in the oven and you were standing next to the oven on a really hot day."

"Oh, wow."

"I know."

Good Medicine

"So, Mom? How's your headache?"

"A little better, thanks."

"But you said the medicine for your headache gave you a stomach ache?"

"Yeah, it seems like it."

"Then I don't know whether to pat you on the head or rub your tummy."

Say Aah

"Mom?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Since they said we don't have strep throat or anything, maybe they should call it Not-So-Urgent Care?"

The Poultice

"Mom, this spider bite on my finger is puffy."

"It's going to take a couple of days for it to go down."

"Can't you put something on it? It's hard to make a fist. How am I going to play handball?"

"Let's go to Von's and see if we can find some meat tenderizer. That should take the swelling down."

"Okay but how much of it do I have to eat?"

"No, we'll put it on your finger."

"Oh, and then I eat it off my finger?"

It's Going Around

"Mom? So, Dad's staying home sick today?'

"Yeah."

"And Felix's dad is sick?'

"Yep."

"And Desmond's little brother is sick too?"

"Yeah."

"I guess I'm going to have to run pret-ty fast to stay ahead of this germ."

Check Up

"Mom? What did the nurse call the pee again?"

"Urine."

"And that's the same word as all pee?"

"Yes."

"And I go in the cup?"

"Yep."

"Because they just want to see if I can do it?"

Mr. Fix-It

"Do you want peanut butter on your toast, Poops?"

"Yes please, Mama. How is the oil spill in Mexeeeco?"

"It's really bad."

"Is it hurting the animals or the people?

"It's hurting everything and everyone."

"In the gulf of Mexeeeco?"

"Yeah. It's awful. Do you want jam too?"

"Strawberry, please. I think I am going to have to fix the oil spill myself."

"How will you do it?"

"I will need a giant hammer and a big, big, big, big, big rock explosion."

"That sounds like as good a plan as any I've heard."

"Then I will bring back all of the oily animals to our house and clean them one at a time in the bathtub."

"That's sweet, Honey,"

"I'm going to need a washcloth for the big animals."

"How long do you think that will take you to wash all of those animals?"

"I don't know but when I'm done, I'll have a party and hang blue streamers all around the galaxy."

"I love you."

How to Have a Cold by Bob Rosenberg

Wake up really late in the night and walk on tip-toe feet across the house to your parents bedroom.

Stand at the side of the bed by where your dad is and yell super loud, “I’ve got too many boogers!” Then start crying. Loud. Make it really good.

Do not wipe your nose. Let lots of snots fall down your face for more effect on your mom.

Your parents will get up and help you and be worried and then is the part where you can start asking for all of the things you want.

You can get:

• The TV couch set up like a little bed for just you.
• As many shows of Max and Ruby as you want even while it is still dark outside.
• All of the things you eat can be on your Star Wars plate and bowl.
• Lots of the juice boxes left over from your birthday party to drink, especially the white grape juice ones.
• Apple sauce for all snacks plus lots of cold cereal whenever you want.
• The fancy tissues with the stuff in them that makes your nose not be red.
• Your own trash basket made out of a Von's supermarket paper bag for your snots tissues that you can throw them in there like basketballs.
  
• All your Star Wars guys (good guys and bounty hunters) with you on your couch bed.
• A whole Chapstick tube and rub it over all of the Star Wars guys and make a sticky kind of nice mess and no one will even get mad at you.
  

Note: You can get more stuff if you have the temperature but you mostly won’t feel like having stuff if you have the temperature. Try to cash in on a Diego stickers book or something your dad will bring home from Rite Aid and you can use it later.

Don't forget to get well in time for your Show and Tell day at school because you have planned out a thing for it and you want to show J.P.

Expert Opinion

Jeff is sick. He’s sneezing, has a runny nose, a stuffy head, and a sore throat. At dinner this evening he coughed sneezed and tried to swallow simultaneously. The result was not good. He excused himself to the bathroom to recover. I was left at the table with our resident internal medicine specialist, Dr. Bob.

“Daddy’s whole mouth is broken. He’s going to need a cast on it.”

“A cast on his mouth?”

“Yes, Mama… that might be difficult.”

“Yeah.”

“We’ll have to use Scotch tape.”

“I think we should try it.”

The Doctor Is In: A One Act

Three and a half year-old Dr. Bob Rosenberg has been giving me a check up a few times a day since mid-November. (Apparently he's aware of when cold and flu season starts.) Our doctor-patient dialogue is always the same.

THE DOCTOR IS IN

I sit on DR. BOB'S examination table (big boy bed) waiting. The door to the office (bed room) opens. DR. BOB enters carrying his Sesame Street medical bag.

DR. BOB

It's OK now. I'm here. I'm right here. You are going to be OK.

ME

Hello Dr. Bob. Thanks.

DR. BOB

First let me feel your head.

(DR. BOB place his hand on my forehead.)

You might have a head ache.

ME

You think so?

DR. BOB

No. Not Really. First I need to put this stefrascrope on your heart part and listen with my ears to this sound.

(DR. BOB leans in, concentrating.)

ME

How is it?

DR. BOB

It clicks like a seat belt buckle.

ME

Oh.

DR. BOB

That's good. Now I am going to put on this bird pressure cuff on you and pump this part and that thing moves and doctors do this but not to kids so I don't know.

ME

What's that?

DR. BOB

This is a shot to make you healthy. It won't hurt. It might hurt. It's just a pinch. It's fast.

(DR. BOB rubs the injection site on my arm.)

Now please put this thertempature into your mouth and I can see how hot you are.

ME

How hot am I?

DR. BOB

Not so hot.

ME

Yeah.

DR. BOB

It says you are 10-13.

ME

That seems low. Or high.

DR. BOB

It is good. Now I will put this scope in your nose... And your eye... Open your mouth... Now I have to look in your ears.

ME

How does that look?

DR. BOB

There is nothing in there.

ME

Many have suspected as much. What's this?

DR. BOB

It's a Slinky for doing good behavior.

ME

Thanks, Dr. Bob.

DR. BOB

OK, I need it back now for other patients.


END SCENE