Zubaz

Our son Bob is quite involved in choosing his daily wardrobe. On days that I am able to get him out the door in something more than big boy underpants and rain boots, it is a victory. Last fall, my son received a pair of navy blue, stars and polka-dot pajama hand-me-downs from a friend’s kid. He has since outgrown the top but the pants are his current favorite item of clothing. These pajama bottoms resemble Zubaz pants.

You are familiar with Zubaz pants. You may know them as weightlifter pants or Buttafuco pants, but you know them. Baggy sweatpants, elastic around the ankles, traditionally in zebra or another unfortunate print; these little items are my husband’s kryptonite. Jeff is generally a non-judgmental live-and-let-live kind of man but something about seeing his son in the Zubaz makes him a wee crazy.

When faced with taking a be-Zubazed Bob to the park, Jeff is instantly mortified. There is a great deal of bargaining, bribing, and pleading involved in trying to separate Bob from his beloved jammies. It has been intimated that my extreme amusement during these episodes is not helpful.

Jeff has yet to offer an explanation for his aversion other than a frustrated growl followed with the words, “Just… no.” I believe the baby-Jersey-man pants may cause him to flash forward to a vision of Bob of the future : Zubaz + tight thin strapped tank top + steroids + Nextel on a belt clip + protein shake + gelled do + H2 + Axe body spray. While not necessarily a bad thing (except for the roids and the Axe) these lifestyle choices would leave little in common with Daddy and his sweet, heavily self-tanned son and that would be sad.

I am not saying that my husband has any expectations for our son other than hope for his future health, happiness and ability to support himself without moving back in with us in his 40s. Yet I do think the snapshot he has in his head for future Bob looks less like Joey Fatone circa 1999 and more like Sufjan Stevens with a PhD in astrophysics. (“You are a magician with that banjo Dr. Rosenberg!”)

I have toyed with the idea of outfitting Bob, myself, and the pets in matching Zubaz for a family portrait to give to Jeff in honor of our wedding anniversary this week but I have chosen instead to remain happily married.

Viva La Zubaz.