Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Zubaz


Our son Bob is quite involved in choosing his daily wardrobe. On days that I am able to get him out the door in something more than big boy underpants and rain boots, it is a victory. Last fall, my son received a pair of navy blue, stars and polka-dot pajama hand-me-downs from a friend’s kid. He has since outgrown the top but the pants are his current favorite item of clothing. These pajama bottoms resemble Zubaz pants.

You are familiar with Zubaz pants. You may know them as weightlifter pants or Buttafuco pants, but you know them. Baggy sweatpants, elastic around the ankles, traditionally in zebra or another unfortunate print; these little items are my husband’s kryptonite. Jeff is generally a non-judgmental live-and-let-live kind of man but something about seeing his son in the Zubaz makes him a wee crazy.

When faced with taking a be-Zubazed Bob to the park, Jeff is instantly mortified. There is a great deal of bargaining, bribing, and pleading involved in trying to separate Bob from his beloved jammies. It has been intimated that my extreme amusement during these episodes is not helpful.

Jeff has yet to offer an explanation for his aversion other than a frustrated growl followed with the words, “Just… no.” I believe the baby-Jersey-man pants may cause him to flash forward to a vision of Bob of the future : Zubaz + tight thin strapped tank top + steroids + Nextel on a belt clip + protein shake + gelled do + H2 + Axe body spray. While not necessarily a bad thing (except for the roids and the Axe) these lifestyle choices would leave little in common with Daddy and his sweet, heavily self-tanned son and that would be sad.

I am not saying that my husband has any expectations for our son other than hope for his future health, happiness and ability to support himself without moving back in with us in his 40s. Yet I do think the snapshot he has in his head for future Bob looks less like Joey Fatone circa 1999 and more like Sufjan Stevens with a PhD in astrophysics. (“You are a magician with that banjo Dr. Rosenberg!”)

I have toyed with the idea of outfitting Bob, myself, and the pets in matching Zubaz for a family portrait to give to Jeff in honor of our wedding anniversary this week but I have chosen instead to remain happily married.

Viva La Zubaz.

9 comments:

  1. I have never, as a child or man, worn zubbas. So let Jeff know there us a great possibilty he can cross out another adjective from his future image. No guarantee, mind you, but.... I loved this one today by the way.

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  2. LOL.

    I really hope Bob has a Bluetooth to complete the look.

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  3. A pair of Oakley's and a fanny pack? Ay yi yi. The other day I was thinking of how grateful I am that the craze of putting your kid in a Ramone's t has finally started to fade. Went upstairs and Roddy is wearing a CBGB tshirt someone gave him. UGH How to explain to a 4 year old that it's evil to make it look like your parents are trying to live out some lost rock n roll fantasy through you. "Look, I'm super cool - and so are Mommy and Daddy!" I've now hidden it.

    Steph

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  4. Let it be known I will love my son whatever pants he wears. However, if he combines the Zubaz with the wolf shirt...

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  5. OMG I COMPLETELY know the look you are talking about........oh I am laughing.........oh they were all at my gym - oh remember the late 1990's?????? That was a uniform..........

    hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    I am going to go to bed laughing........

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  6. I'm on ebay right now ordering you a set of family Zubaz pants, I want to see that portrait happen!
    BTW...your comments are always so funny!

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  7. Thanks for your Zubazian support everyone.
    Toddler sized Bluetooth: Ordered

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  8. the wolf shirt! like a wolf howling on a moon shirt? is that the wolf shirt you're referring to? because i kept all of my brother's from childhood that he (coincidentally) wore with zubaz pants too. actually worse... when he was going through his ninja-wanna-be phase, he borrowed a pair of my mother's ass-flattening "stretch pants" (dear god, i hope i never ever like comfort that much), and would pull them over his shoulders to create the ugliest ninja-ish creation ever. all this to say... take your family photo and close the book on those pants. if not, it will get worse before it gets better.

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