Wednesday, March 24, 2010

My Morning Monologue


Okay, Bob? We’ve got to get a move on or we’re going to be late for school. Take your hand out of your pants please. Did you finish your egg? It’s show and let go of your penis tell today. Did you pick something to bring? I like that but please keep your hand out thank you the color this week is yellow so what you’re showing and telling about needs to be yellow. Touching privates is for a private time. Perfect.

Let’s get your shirt on. Why not? Sure, wait, do you have to pee? No? Are you sure? Then let go of it that shirt’s fine. Oh sorry, let me stretch out the neck a little so your noggin will fit in easier. Great. Let’s put your truck in a bag it's a wonderful penis, but I don't need to see it right now with your name on it. Where are your shoes? Are they by the back door? The bathroom? I don’t know. Hand out of pants. Under the ottoman? You look there and I’ll look on the service porch. Nope. Oh, great, bring them over let your wiener go, Babe and we’ll put on your sneakers.

I think you’re going to need a sweatshirt. Let’s get out to the car. Come on, Pooch. And keep your hand off of it.

15 comments:

  1. wow. so all that starts real young? and then it never. ever. stops.

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  2. I had a younger brother just like Bob. With 5 older sibs constantly telling him to please, oh please take it to your room. Loved this for bringing back such funny memories. Damn, I wish I hadn't put that in my birthday blog to him!

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  3. Oh, that was painful...came here for a break and it sounds JUST like my morning monologue :)

    Thanks for the laughs!!

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  4. SO glad to know someone else shares this monologue! Mind is identical, except for interspersed variations of "Don't terrorize your sisters with your penis." It's tough convincing a 5-year-old boy that no one else is as fascinated with his private parts as he is.

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  5. That's hilarious. Remind me of how many times I have to take my daughter's finger OUT OF HER NOSE.

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  6. Spot on. Exactly. Times Two.

    And nice passover theme...LET MY WIENER GO.

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  7. My son likes to hold it and tell me "It growing!" Oh dear God. I really didn't think it would happen at 3. Three! Oy! What the heck is 16 going to be like. If I walk in on...oh. I got dizzy thinking about it.

    This was so perfectly written. It's just what my day sounds like. I mean, I'm not even kidding. I wanted to write a post similar, but just wasn't sure how to write it. You did it for me! :-)

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  8. love it. but you make me fear motherhood sometimes...

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  9. My 6.5 year old boy is obsessed with all things penis and butt lately. It makes me crazy! And afraid for the future when he really figures out what he can do with it.

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  10. I'm totally laughing at Ann's comment about your passover reference. Hysterical! My son is 10 and that issue is a little better, but frankly it's just a guy thing. Whatever.

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  11. OMG. I just laughed so loud. Too god damn funny.

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  12. My two year old is starting this.....ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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