London Time

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"Mom, what time is it in England right now?"

"One in the morning."

"That means in the middle of the night?"

"Yep."

***

"Mom, what time is it in England now?

"It's four-o'clock in the afternoon."

***

"Mom, what time is it in England right now?"

"It's ten-o'clock at night. It's always about eight hours later there than it is here. Why do you keep asking, Bud?"

"For when Dad's in England next month, I'm trying to figure out how he's going to get to bed on time."

Obviously

"So, Mom? With you and me and Daddy and Daisy and Pearl and Violet we have six people in our family."

"There are six of us but it's really three people and three animals."

"Right. Three people plus three animals equals six people."

Inspection

"Can I have my towel, Dad?"

"You done with your bath, Buddy?"

"Yeah."

"Are you all clean?"

"Yeah. Smell my parts."

"No thanks. I'll take your word for it."

"They all smell really good, Dad."

Bob and Louie the Super

When we stayed with our friends in New York last month, Uncle Dave arranged a meeting between Bob and Louie, their building supervisor.

"So, Mama? When you put the garbage into the chute it goes down a tunnel and it ends up in a giant bag at Mr. Louie the Super. Did you know that? It does. Then when the bag gets full, Mr. Louie the Super puts the garbage bag into a muncher and then it goes in another big garbage dumpster-can. Have you seen one of those before, Mom? It is really good. Then in the under part of the building, Mr. Louie the Super also has the part where there are little machines that do electricity for the whole tall building of Uncle Dave and Aunt Toni and baby Ramona. Does baby Ramona know Mr. Louie the Super? She should know him. Mr. Louie the Super is my friend now. He knows lots of things."


Thanks, Uncle Dave. Thanks, Mr. Louie the Super.

Just Wondering

"Hey, Bob. What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing, Dad."

"We're always thinking about something,"

"Always?"

"Yep."

"Oh."

"What's on your mind, Buddy?"

"Um... Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure I'm thinking right now?"

Smacksy Saturday Photo: How's It Going With Violet?

It's going like this.

Soccer Camp Day 3

This morning Bob spent 20 minutes decorating his soccer ball with space stickers. He used six minutes of the ride to the field to tell me about how did not plan to play today and asking what snacks I had brought.

When we got to camp, Bob spent 45 minutes looking for sticks with his friend J.P. There were 10 minutes of negotiations between the two of them over who would be in command of the "best" stick. Bob spent five minutes on the field actually sort of doing the drills with the coaches.

I spent an hour in my new soccer mom chair drinking coffee and talking with mommy friends. It was a lovely morning.

I'm starting to get it. Soccer camp isn't just about soccer.

How to Keep a Secret by Bob Rosenberg

1. Make a really good crown for your dad for Father's Day.

2. The crown will have Star Wars characters and Cars stickers and other stickers and writing that your mom does and some crayon arts and that's what makes it super good.

3. The crown will be a secret. A secret is something where you don't tell your dad about the crown until Father's Day.

4. To make sure you don't tell the secret ask your mom in a whispery voice if you can tell your dad about his crown secret. Even though your dad is here you don't think he heard you.

5. Your mom says to "Shh" because she thinks you are going to tell the secret of the crown but you aren't.

6. Later, remind your dad that you are not going to tell him the secret about the crown you made him that is super good because it is a surprise only.

7. On Father's Day morning, jump on your dad's middle parts and tell him that it is time for him to have his surprise secret good crown that you made him that was a secret but isn't a secret now because it's Father's Day.

8. He will look super good in the crown, like the guys that work at In-N-Out burgers that use the microphones.

9. Your dad will wear his surprise crown and you guys can do Father's Day stuff together. Your mom will take pictures and you can wear your pajamas for most of the day and eat watermelon.

10. You will like secrets it just takes practicing.

Smacksy Sunday Link: Father's Day

The dad in our house, Bob's sweet dad, my husband Jeff.

I first learned of this Groucho Marx song from my friend Jen who had a fine tradition of singing it to her dad every year on Father's Day. Since Jen's dad's death last year, the song has taken on a bittersweet quality. I love it still. (I love it even more when Jen sings it, but this Groucho version will do.)

To those of you who are a dad, and to those of you who are with your dad, and to those who are missing your dad today, Happy Father's Day.

Parts

Bob and I are in the drive-thru line at In-N-Out Burger. Again.

“Bob, you want your usual?”

“Number two: Cheeseburger, plain cut in half, fries and a milk.”

“Got it.”

“Daddy said he was allergic to milk when he was a little boy.”

“That’s true.”

“But now he is not.”

“Right.”

“Were you a little girl when daddy was a little boy?”

“Sort of. I am older than daddy so I was an older girl when daddy was very little.”

“Where was I when you and daddy were little? Was I a little baby?”

“You weren’t born yet.”

“Where was I?”

“You were God’s new best idea, but he hadn’t made you yet.”

“So my parts weren’t put together then?”

“No not yet.”

“After my parts were put together, did I say thank you to God?”

“Maybe. I know I said thank you when your parts were put together. I still say thank you everyday.”

“Mom?”

“Yes, Sir?”

“French fries are my favorite vegetable.”

“Me too.”

Happy Valentine's Day

My little Valentine and I made cookies yesterday. I left the kitchen for a moment and when I returned, Bob informed me that he had made a "big surprise" and pointed to the floor. Half of the kitchen linoleum was covered with red cookie decorating sparkles. Bob told me that he had "spread them around extra" with his feet. I spent the next 10 minutes vacuuming up my surprise.

This morning I noticed tiny red dots covering the bottoms of my feet. For a few moments I tried not to panic as I planned WebMd search terms in my head. (feet/soles/rash/red) Then I realized that walking on that carpet of tiny red dye #40 sparkles had tattooed me. Bob had not oversold it. This really was a big surprise.

Valentine's Day is often viewed as merely a Hallmark holiday but I am completely on board with any day that involves special snacks and reminding folks that I love them. And I believe this all the way down to my polka-dot toes.