How to Get Your Mom Out of the Boring Lady Store by Bob Rosenberg

When you get in the Boring Lady Store, immediately start pulling on your mama’s arm and repeatedly whisper, “Okay, okay, okay, okay. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.”

After your mom threatens to put you in a stroller, walk next to her quietly for a maximum of 40 seconds. Periodically ask if it’s time to go yet.

She will hand some clothes to a lady who tells you that you’re a “darling child.” She says her name is Hillary and she is “starting a room” for your mom. You mention to Hillary that your mom already has a room and she shares it with Daddy. The grown-ups laugh at something.

Break free from mom’s grasp. Pull a pile of yellow lady sweaters off of a table and on to the floor and yell, “Shiver me timbers!” This is not popular with your mama and she will have a “talk” with you by the big plant.

Your mom brings you with her into a tiny room with a big mirror on the wall. You look around and ask, “How come there’s no potty in this potty?”

You are allowed to sit on the floor and go through the stuff in your mom’s purse while she changes all of her clothes a bunch of times. (Except underpants.)

Hillary asks if we are, “doing okay in there” and you can take the opportunity to inform her that they "forgot the potty in this one."

Your mom will make you stand in a line to pay for one green sweater with some flowers on it. The line is long and you are not allowed to touch any of the things on the jewelry table and you are not allowed to move the rope thing that shows you where to stand and you are not allowed, not allowed, not allowed.

Break free from your mom as she gets to the front of the line. Sit in the big chair with the red flowers on it and wave.

Your mom will watch you as you stick your hand down your throat and then barf a little on a pillow with a bird picture on it.

Your mom will run to you in the big red flower chair and see your barf. She will pick up you and the bird pillow. She will buy the bird pillow instead of the green sweater and you will get to leave the store in a hurry.

She will explain to you that she hopes you like the trendy overpriced piece of c-r-a-p because it is going to be your wedding gift.

You don’t know what that means but you get to go home now so it's good.