Friday, April 30, 2010

How to Get Your Mom Out of the Boring Lady Store by Bob Rosenberg


When you get in the Boring Lady Store, immediately start pulling on your mama’s arm and repeatedly whisper, “Okay, okay, okay, okay. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.”

After your mom threatens to put you in a stroller, walk next to her quietly for a maximum of 40 seconds. Periodically ask if it’s time to go yet.

She will hand some clothes to a lady who tells you that you’re a “darling child.” She says her name is Hillary and she is “starting a room” for your mom. You mention to Hillary that your mom already has a room and she shares it with Daddy. The grown-ups laugh at something.

Break free from mom’s grasp. Pull a pile of yellow lady sweaters off of a table and on to the floor and yell, “Shiver me timbers!” This is not popular with your mama and she will have a “talk” with you by the big plant.

Your mom brings you with her into a tiny room with a big mirror on the wall. You look around and ask, “How come there’s no potty in this potty?”

You are allowed to sit on the floor and go through the stuff in your mom’s purse while she changes all of her clothes a bunch of times. (Except underpants.)

Hillary asks if we are, “doing okay in there” and you can take the opportunity to inform her that they "forgot the potty in this one."

Your mom will make you stand in a line to pay for one green sweater with some flowers on it. The line is long and you are not allowed to touch any of the things on the jewelry table and you are not allowed to move the rope thing that shows you where to stand and you are not allowed, not allowed, not allowed.

Break free from your mom as she gets to the front of the line. Sit in the big chair with the red flowers on it and wave.

Your mom will watch you as you stick your hand down your throat and then barf a little on a pillow with a bird picture on it.

Your mom will run to you in the big red flower chair and see your barf. She will pick up you and the bird pillow. She will buy the bird pillow instead of the green sweater and you will get to leave the store in a hurry.

She will explain to you that she hopes you like the trendy overpriced piece of c-r-a-p because it is going to be your wedding gift.

You don’t know what that means but you get to go home now so it's good.

16 comments:

  1. Dear Bob, I feel the same way as you about Boring Lady Stores. The best part is leaving. The barfing was a nice touch.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are smart, Bob.

    Watch your mom,though...she may be getting on to you.

    Adorable post today. And the pillows NOT That bad, kind of.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh, I hope that wasn't Anthropologie. Because then Bob would have just barfed on a $150 bird.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are right on the money... and the money.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anthropologie was my guess as well. I have several overpriced pillows from there. Fortunately no one has barfed on them as yet. I loved the part about you having a room and sharing it with Daddy. I would have laughed at something as well. And did.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think it will make a lovely wedding present. By that time, the retro retro will be retro modern again.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I was also guessing Anthropologie. Are we right, Lisa?

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love that we all knew it was Anthropologie. Maybe I knew because I know and have lived this story. My kids aren't allowed out of the stroller there, and they still manage to grab and throw and chip ceramic bird creamers and stuff. And yes, the ceramic bird creamer is my kitchen right now.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I see no evidence. My mother would be happy to take that back for you; she's the queen of the shameless return. No receipt, one year old, to a "nice" store but not the one she bought it from? No prob. Unless there's a sour smell issue; at that she might balk. But not at the dishonesty -- that'd be ok with her. So let me know if you want to borrow her. (I won't have any thing to do with this except provide an introduction.)

    ReplyDelete
  10. What a smart little boy. This post has me laughing!

    ReplyDelete
  11. This is my favorite new Smacksy post. I laughed so hard at the gag-n-puke as it brought back vivid memories of Three.

    WHY IS THAT FUN??

    and no I have no business reading blogs right now, in my current Impresario condition. shhhh

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh my lord... this is the reason I NEVER take my children shopping with me. My own memories of shopping-with-mum are far too vivid and painful. Wait! I should totally use this as a threat for naughty children... and I wont feed them ahead of time, so, no puking. Heh.

    PS - you're eight shades of awesome, lady-friend.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh I am so glad Ann decided to do a Motherhood link up this week as otherwise I would not have got to read this post or find you. I just love it. I am so sorry you ended up with a pillow and not a sweater. My daughter is three and actually likes shopping for clothes and giving me advice on what works and does not (her taste is already so much better and more sophisticated than mine!). But when we go anywhere with a cosmetics display that's when we hit trouble as she is totally obsessed with the little bottles and packages they come in and ransacks the store.

    Wishing you a wonderful Mothers Day weekend - consider me your latest follower.

    ReplyDelete
  14. sweater in your picture happens to be green with flowers on it. coincidence?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Patience has its virtues... as does waiting for the sweater you like to hit the sale rack.

    ReplyDelete